I don't really care what date it is. Just that it's near that awful bloody holiday and soon, very soon, it won't be that awful bloody holiday.
Let's be clear here. For the record and all.
It's not that I don't believe in christmas, I know it exists.
It's not that I'm offended by it, or something symbolic. I don't care who the holiday belongs to, frankly. It's a completely commercial venture now anyway. Who died on what day is pretty much lost to the masses. Jesus who? Isn't that the guy that lives up the street?
christmas doesn't do it for me. I'd like it to. I want a family, I want the big dinner and people coming over and buying presents for people and relatives I barely knew I had. I've love that.
I had that. Once. A long time ago.
It's gone now. and this is why the season does nothing for me.
I don't have anyone to spend it with. I don't have the children I wanted more than anything. I don't have, and never will have, any extended famliy. My parents are gone. My brother, my first and best friend in the world, gone. 2 children, gone. Even my cat that I'd gotten on mother's day to ease the pain of losing 2 children, she's dead now. I had a husband, but he spent the holidays with his family. Who didn't know I existed. So I hid, and pretended that it was ok. It killed me. Completely. I was never more alone, than in those first few years.
Someone recently pointed out to me just *how* alone I am in the world. Thank you, asshole, fuck you too. I KNOW I'm alone, I really don't need you awestricken about how I can possibly handle my 9th year alone on christmas. Go fuck yourself. I certainly won't be spending it anywhere near you. I'd rather be alone than in the presence of such a dick.
I'm sure millions of people are just this alone. I know a few people who think they know, saying "i'm not spending it with my family this year." Dude you have no clue. I don't HAVE that option. I don't HAVE a family. No one. Utterly alone in this world. Which, technically, we all are. Most of you just have some kind of people who share your blood. I don't.
So forgive me if I don't share your familial enthusiasm.
It's not like i hate the season. I stapled those tacky lights from above my bed, onto the wall in the shape of an art deco christmas tree. I bought a trinket or two for my friends, something for myself so I'd have something to unwrap. I play christmas music, mostly the rat pack and sinatra, because I love how the old songs sound. All cozy and warm and gives me some sort of childhood throwback that makes me feel secure, even though I don't remember what it was.
Imagine that. Alone in the world, with no childhood memories. At all. Nevermind of christmas, just none. Most of my life is just a blank. The best christmas I had was with my daughter. Who, of course, is gone. One. Just, one. One really great christmas. in 35 years.
Forgive me if I sound bitter, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken every year. I try to ignore the season and do something nice for people I know and myself, and on christmas, which for me is on the 24th, I shut the door and turn off the phone, and pretend like it's not that day.
The day meant for families. Of which I have none. I've lost everyone I have ever loved. I know people say that, but I truly have. Everyone. Is gone.
And it just baffles me. Because I'm a great woman, who's learned how to love without condition, without restriction. I want a family, I'd love to stay home and raise a family. I'm gifted, talented, inspired, intelligent, patient, a smartass, funny, witty, mostly zen-like that I live in today and stress very little.....
So why. Why am I the one who's alone i the world?
Is this some cruel lesson from the fates? Who are NOT in my good graces lately, boy.
I can handle alone time, that's different than being alone.
Why is it I pick emotionally inept men? Why is it my family couldn't love me? I don't get it. I love me, damnit.
Why am I the only one?
They come and go, don't get me wrong. But they can't appreciate me while I'm with them, while I'm absolutely in love with them, and they fuck it up. I don't give second chances, it's a bad idea, it's never worked for me. It gets worse.
So then they come running back once they've fucked it up and lost me, babbling about how much they love me now, how much they want to be with me now. Now, when it's too late. Now, when I'm gone. All of them. I'd endlessly love just one man who could appreciate me while I'm there. Who knows, damnit I'm lucky that this woman wants to hang around me, I'm priveleged that she sees something in me and loves me to death. I'd better not fuck this up, she's too precious to lose. She's too wonderful to hurt.
Maybe one day. Maybe the fates are preparing me for it. Maybe they're just smoking crack up there and having some sort of orgy. Who knows.
So there. My christmas rant.
Just think. Your holiday can't possibly be worse than mine.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
december 7.05
i wrote this email to a friend of mine, and giggled so much reading it, that i had to post it here.
Jenna:
this was my night last night. you'll adore this. you'll laugh. i did.
it's 11:45.
i'm laying in bed, odin stomping all over me, listening to them shovel snow outside.
i can't sleep. i'm thinking about finding out if i have this job tomorrow.
let's be honest, i'm not sleeping anytime soon.
ok, so what to do.
get yer ass up, woman. do something to wear yourself out.
put up christmas lights.
i think this was satan speaking to me. later, i knew it must have been.
ok, how hard can it be. half an hour, i'll string some lights....where.
ah ha. in the most difficult place possible.
i'll make a CANOPY over my bed with them. yeah. c'mon, i can do that. how hard can it be.
i get the christmas lights from on top of the bathroom.
ooh, lots of those icicle ones. perfect.
i go digging for the picture wire i have around somewhere. yes. found it.
and the industrial strength stapler. the big ass one. that you need to be able to bench 200 lbs just to use. that one.
ok ok, so let's position the wire where i want the lights. hang them from the ceiling.
again, satan speaking.
get the little stool out. stand on it. staple the first one into the beam. wrap the wire around itself.
ah ha. see, not hard. i'll be in bed by midnight with lots of pretty lights around me.
do the second one. and the third.
the fourth, that's the one over the bed in the corner.
so i put the stool ON THE BED.
it was an act of cirque du soliel that i didn't break my neck stapling that fucker to the ceiling.
one hand on the wall, wire in my teeth, stapler in my other hand which is also hanging onto the beam above me, one knee on the stool, one on the windowsill, christmas lights under my arm.
i wish i could have had a picture of that.
ok, great, i don't kill myself hanging the wire. woohoo, go me.
now i go around and start attaching the wire to the christmas lights.
it immediately dawns on me that this is not going to make a straight line.
i'm gonna have saggy christmas lights.
fuck it, i've come this far, done my lil circus balancing act, i'm gonna hang them damnit.
lots of struggling. more balancing, wrapping wire, making it relatively even.
ok, doesn't look horrible. let's plug it in.
...........................................what do they say about always testing the string of lights first?
they don't work.
i'm sitting on my bed, laughing by now. cause that's just funny.
i take them down. nicely at first, until the second wire gives me a hard time and i decide that ripping them out of the wall is a muchbetter idea.
ok that didn't take too long.
you'd think i'd quit by now.
i have more lights.
these, i test first. yup, they work.
ok, new plan. i can staple them to the wall and parts of the ceiling, using only one wire to make it hang down a little.
yes, that's a much better idea than the LAST one.
satan's on my couch by now, taking video for his friends back home.
so i attempt to staple them to the wall. i say attempt, because it's hard as hell to pull that trigger thing, and most of the time, i'm missing the wire entirely, impaling the wall and the ceiling with 4, 5 nstaples before actually hitting the wire.
i'm sweating now. and it's 1:00am.
let's just get the fuckers up, go to bed.
i put the last staple in, and plug it in.
works, that's good.
my bed now looks like some red light district whore's bed.
or something you'd see in a trailer.
this is THE tackiest thing i have EVER seen.
and i did it.
i stood there, laughing for another 15 minutes with satan. he thought it was great.
then i left them plugged in, laid down under lights bright enough to light up the WHOLE apartment, and giggled myself to sleep.
i.
hate.
christmas.
thought that story might make you smile this morning. make me laugh, even telling it.
you gotta see these lights, dude. they are SO SO tacky. i need a new word, tacky isn't strong enough. :)
--
Fay-Lisa
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein
Jenna:
this was my night last night. you'll adore this. you'll laugh. i did.
it's 11:45.
i'm laying in bed, odin stomping all over me, listening to them shovel snow outside.
i can't sleep. i'm thinking about finding out if i have this job tomorrow.
let's be honest, i'm not sleeping anytime soon.
ok, so what to do.
get yer ass up, woman. do something to wear yourself out.
put up christmas lights.
i think this was satan speaking to me. later, i knew it must have been.
ok, how hard can it be. half an hour, i'll string some lights....where.
ah ha. in the most difficult place possible.
i'll make a CANOPY over my bed with them. yeah. c'mon, i can do that. how hard can it be.
i get the christmas lights from on top of the bathroom.
ooh, lots of those icicle ones. perfect.
i go digging for the picture wire i have around somewhere. yes. found it.
and the industrial strength stapler. the big ass one. that you need to be able to bench 200 lbs just to use. that one.
ok ok, so let's position the wire where i want the lights. hang them from the ceiling.
again, satan speaking.
get the little stool out. stand on it. staple the first one into the beam. wrap the wire around itself.
ah ha. see, not hard. i'll be in bed by midnight with lots of pretty lights around me.
do the second one. and the third.
the fourth, that's the one over the bed in the corner.
so i put the stool ON THE BED.
it was an act of cirque du soliel that i didn't break my neck stapling that fucker to the ceiling.
one hand on the wall, wire in my teeth, stapler in my other hand which is also hanging onto the beam above me, one knee on the stool, one on the windowsill, christmas lights under my arm.
i wish i could have had a picture of that.
ok, great, i don't kill myself hanging the wire. woohoo, go me.
now i go around and start attaching the wire to the christmas lights.
it immediately dawns on me that this is not going to make a straight line.
i'm gonna have saggy christmas lights.
fuck it, i've come this far, done my lil circus balancing act, i'm gonna hang them damnit.
lots of struggling. more balancing, wrapping wire, making it relatively even.
ok, doesn't look horrible. let's plug it in.
...........................................what do they say about always testing the string of lights first?
they don't work.
i'm sitting on my bed, laughing by now. cause that's just funny.
i take them down. nicely at first, until the second wire gives me a hard time and i decide that ripping them out of the wall is a muchbetter idea.
ok that didn't take too long.
you'd think i'd quit by now.
i have more lights.
these, i test first. yup, they work.
ok, new plan. i can staple them to the wall and parts of the ceiling, using only one wire to make it hang down a little.
yes, that's a much better idea than the LAST one.
satan's on my couch by now, taking video for his friends back home.
so i attempt to staple them to the wall. i say attempt, because it's hard as hell to pull that trigger thing, and most of the time, i'm missing the wire entirely, impaling the wall and the ceiling with 4, 5 nstaples before actually hitting the wire.
i'm sweating now. and it's 1:00am.
let's just get the fuckers up, go to bed.
i put the last staple in, and plug it in.
works, that's good.
my bed now looks like some red light district whore's bed.
or something you'd see in a trailer.
this is THE tackiest thing i have EVER seen.
and i did it.
i stood there, laughing for another 15 minutes with satan. he thought it was great.
then i left them plugged in, laid down under lights bright enough to light up the WHOLE apartment, and giggled myself to sleep.
i.
hate.
christmas.
thought that story might make you smile this morning. make me laugh, even telling it.
you gotta see these lights, dude. they are SO SO tacky. i need a new word, tacky isn't strong enough. :)
--
Fay-Lisa
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
November 29.05
How one woman gets so excited about technology, is beyond me.
That'd be me, getting all riled up about my new phone. Not just that it's new. That this is the third new phone I've been through in a week.
The first one, well it was just tinny and cheap. Didn't like that at all, some sort of $100 Samsung deal. I wanted more. More toys, more ways to customize it, because god knows I don't have enough to do during my days that I need to be on that phone, making it pretty. That girly part of me I suppose.
The second one, well it was better. Better reception, was supposed to be an indestructable phone.
Yeah. About that.
I cracked the front screen the first bloody day. Dropping it 2 feet off my nightstand onto my carpetted floor. Indestructable my ass. So much for Nokia. It wasn't that pretty of a phone anyway. A little masculine for my taste.
So I go back last night.
By now, this woman doesn't want to see me anymore. She's a lil pissy this time.
I chose to go back to the Motorola, as the last one I had was a beast. I dropped that thing off a BUS and it was still fine. Ok so it rang for a little while when no one was calling, but hey, I made it stop.
She gives me the upgrade to a $200 phone for free. Mostly, I'm thinking, because she doesn't want me in there anymore. And this might shut me up. I felt so...American last night. They weren't gonna take the phone back because of the crack, and I went into full Americana mode.
Well I don't want a broken phone. I want a phone that has some balls, I don't want it to shatter the first time I drop it.
He tries to tell me well if you drop a phone, it's going to break. I eye him.
Not the Motorola one I had. Let's go back to that brand, shall we. Cause I can abuse that one and it'll forgive me in the morning.
So here I sit, with my brand new smooth shiny phone.
I'm secretly in love with it.
Mostly because I can hook the sucker up to my computer, and now, instead of paying $2 a pop for wallpaper or ringtones to replace the sorry excuse they have on there now, I can link it to my computer and use mp3s as ringtones. And pictures I create for wallpaper.
I.
Am in geek heaven.
I managed my favorite Christmas song of all time, Carol of the Bells, as my ringtone. Of course, no one has called me yet, so I'm not altogether sure it works, but it's there. Kermit sings Rainbow Connection to let me know I have a message. I love that song. Now I just need the Pink Panther melody for text messages and it's all good.
Who knew a phone could make a woman so bloody happy.
This woman, at least.
I should be getting phone regularly then. Get all happy like this all the time.
That'd be me, getting all riled up about my new phone. Not just that it's new. That this is the third new phone I've been through in a week.
The first one, well it was just tinny and cheap. Didn't like that at all, some sort of $100 Samsung deal. I wanted more. More toys, more ways to customize it, because god knows I don't have enough to do during my days that I need to be on that phone, making it pretty. That girly part of me I suppose.
The second one, well it was better. Better reception, was supposed to be an indestructable phone.
Yeah. About that.
I cracked the front screen the first bloody day. Dropping it 2 feet off my nightstand onto my carpetted floor. Indestructable my ass. So much for Nokia. It wasn't that pretty of a phone anyway. A little masculine for my taste.
So I go back last night.
By now, this woman doesn't want to see me anymore. She's a lil pissy this time.
I chose to go back to the Motorola, as the last one I had was a beast. I dropped that thing off a BUS and it was still fine. Ok so it rang for a little while when no one was calling, but hey, I made it stop.
She gives me the upgrade to a $200 phone for free. Mostly, I'm thinking, because she doesn't want me in there anymore. And this might shut me up. I felt so...American last night. They weren't gonna take the phone back because of the crack, and I went into full Americana mode.
Well I don't want a broken phone. I want a phone that has some balls, I don't want it to shatter the first time I drop it.
He tries to tell me well if you drop a phone, it's going to break. I eye him.
Not the Motorola one I had. Let's go back to that brand, shall we. Cause I can abuse that one and it'll forgive me in the morning.
So here I sit, with my brand new smooth shiny phone.
I'm secretly in love with it.
Mostly because I can hook the sucker up to my computer, and now, instead of paying $2 a pop for wallpaper or ringtones to replace the sorry excuse they have on there now, I can link it to my computer and use mp3s as ringtones. And pictures I create for wallpaper.
I.
Am in geek heaven.
I managed my favorite Christmas song of all time, Carol of the Bells, as my ringtone. Of course, no one has called me yet, so I'm not altogether sure it works, but it's there. Kermit sings Rainbow Connection to let me know I have a message. I love that song. Now I just need the Pink Panther melody for text messages and it's all good.
Who knew a phone could make a woman so bloody happy.
This woman, at least.
I should be getting phone regularly then. Get all happy like this all the time.
Friday, November 11, 2005
November 11. 05
I've been without net connection for a while. So this time, I have an excuse for not writing here.
Ha. Take that, procrastination.
Since I last wrote...let's see.
I got a design job, which I am utterly stoked about. It's contract, but found out Friday they're extending the contract an additional 2 weeks from the cut off date. And letting me interview for the permanent position. Let's hope that goes well.
Stories have been brewing in my head. I want to just write already, but I know better than to force it. Every time I've forced it, it ends up stalling and I walk away. I wrote a lil short story the other day. It was no Poe, but it's a start.
I've been really not myself lately. This week especially, and it kinda baffled me as to why. I have my dream job. I'm making enough that I can actually start to pay off the 2 months rent I owe, enough that I went and stocked up on food today. My cupboards have been bare for 3 weeks. That's disturbing.
But I find myself, listening to my little mp3 player on the way home from work, watching the night go by on the bus, and suddenly I'm hit with this profound sadness. And I cry. In public, no less. It's everything I can do to hold back the tears. And this happens a few times during the 45 minute ride home. I hear a song at home, while I'm cleaning or something, I hear a song in my friend's car, and I fall into this dark melancholy that draws tears. Weird. It feels hormonal, I suppose. Maybe my thyroid's just off again.
I did have a few epiphanies during this last week though. The kind that make you sit up and think "well fuck me,".
I miss being a mother desperately. Maybe that's hallowe'en's influence, as I left my children on hallowe'en. Well, technically I left my country on hallowe'en, but I left them there. I think that's eating away at me. More than I know.
I think a lot of my self-worth is, sadly caught up in this job. This week I've been detatching from that notion and especially this weekend I need to regain my focus. What I do for money has never been who I am. I think because I love designing so much, and I finally scored a job where I get paid to do it, that gets all entangled with who I think I am.
I do have a negative influence hanging around. That little cloud of dimness that stresses about money too much, has focus in the wrong place, and puts worth where there should not be. For example, when we were talking about skateboarding one night, because I was being told how I do nothing and I protested with the fact that I skateboard every day it's over 40 here...I hear the words "well you don't skate at the skatepark. until you do that, you're not really skateboarding". No, apparently ladies and gents, skateboarding 2+ miles to and from work don't count. Skating to the other end of boulder and back...nope. Doesn't count. It was an echo of my husband, sadly. I heard that condescending echo and ooo did it make me angry. No one does that to me anymore. I don't allow it.
So taking time away from the world for 3 days, it's a good thing. I need some peace, and it's not residing anywhere outside of my own skin. I need to sit still long enough to breathe it. Doesn't help that the apartment is a mess, cause you *know* that means as a woman, I have the compulsion to clean it before doing any "me" work. And then the cooking. And the dishes. There's always something. Today, I cleaned my apt entirely. So the next 2 days, I have no excuse at all.
Been on a Sinatra kick today. God but I love listening to Sinatra and the Rat Pack. It's comforting, and I have to wonder if I listened to this as a small child. "My Way" of course makes me cry today, but not always. Always emotional, just not over the top like this. Listening to that makes me realize that I need my bliss back. I've misplaced it recently. Maybe it's behind the couch...you know that means I have to move that thing so I can look for it....then the dust bunnies....and the vaccuum....
Maybe I'll just sit still and call for it a while. See if it answers. A bath sounds nice too. Aromatherapy and all that jazz. I don't believe entirely that it works, it just smells nice and I'm having a girl moment. I want to be all pink and smelling nice today. See, something's wrong with me. I never have girl moments.
Ha. Take that, procrastination.
Since I last wrote...let's see.
I got a design job, which I am utterly stoked about. It's contract, but found out Friday they're extending the contract an additional 2 weeks from the cut off date. And letting me interview for the permanent position. Let's hope that goes well.
Stories have been brewing in my head. I want to just write already, but I know better than to force it. Every time I've forced it, it ends up stalling and I walk away. I wrote a lil short story the other day. It was no Poe, but it's a start.
I've been really not myself lately. This week especially, and it kinda baffled me as to why. I have my dream job. I'm making enough that I can actually start to pay off the 2 months rent I owe, enough that I went and stocked up on food today. My cupboards have been bare for 3 weeks. That's disturbing.
But I find myself, listening to my little mp3 player on the way home from work, watching the night go by on the bus, and suddenly I'm hit with this profound sadness. And I cry. In public, no less. It's everything I can do to hold back the tears. And this happens a few times during the 45 minute ride home. I hear a song at home, while I'm cleaning or something, I hear a song in my friend's car, and I fall into this dark melancholy that draws tears. Weird. It feels hormonal, I suppose. Maybe my thyroid's just off again.
I did have a few epiphanies during this last week though. The kind that make you sit up and think "well fuck me,".
I miss being a mother desperately. Maybe that's hallowe'en's influence, as I left my children on hallowe'en. Well, technically I left my country on hallowe'en, but I left them there. I think that's eating away at me. More than I know.
I think a lot of my self-worth is, sadly caught up in this job. This week I've been detatching from that notion and especially this weekend I need to regain my focus. What I do for money has never been who I am. I think because I love designing so much, and I finally scored a job where I get paid to do it, that gets all entangled with who I think I am.
I do have a negative influence hanging around. That little cloud of dimness that stresses about money too much, has focus in the wrong place, and puts worth where there should not be. For example, when we were talking about skateboarding one night, because I was being told how I do nothing and I protested with the fact that I skateboard every day it's over 40 here...I hear the words "well you don't skate at the skatepark. until you do that, you're not really skateboarding". No, apparently ladies and gents, skateboarding 2+ miles to and from work don't count. Skating to the other end of boulder and back...nope. Doesn't count. It was an echo of my husband, sadly. I heard that condescending echo and ooo did it make me angry. No one does that to me anymore. I don't allow it.
So taking time away from the world for 3 days, it's a good thing. I need some peace, and it's not residing anywhere outside of my own skin. I need to sit still long enough to breathe it. Doesn't help that the apartment is a mess, cause you *know* that means as a woman, I have the compulsion to clean it before doing any "me" work. And then the cooking. And the dishes. There's always something. Today, I cleaned my apt entirely. So the next 2 days, I have no excuse at all.
Been on a Sinatra kick today. God but I love listening to Sinatra and the Rat Pack. It's comforting, and I have to wonder if I listened to this as a small child. "My Way" of course makes me cry today, but not always. Always emotional, just not over the top like this. Listening to that makes me realize that I need my bliss back. I've misplaced it recently. Maybe it's behind the couch...you know that means I have to move that thing so I can look for it....then the dust bunnies....and the vaccuum....
Maybe I'll just sit still and call for it a while. See if it answers. A bath sounds nice too. Aromatherapy and all that jazz. I don't believe entirely that it works, it just smells nice and I'm having a girl moment. I want to be all pink and smelling nice today. See, something's wrong with me. I never have girl moments.
Monday, October 10, 2005
October 10
Yes, I know it's been way too long.
I've actually been writing as close to every day as time will allow, just not publishing most of it.
So I'm teaching myself asp.net.
By looking at the source code for a site I wanted to mimic, I figured out it was written in aspx. Started doing research online, and started learning the .net language that aspx is parent to.
Not all that hard, actually. It makes relatively perfect sense so far. This week I'm going to switch my server over to a .net server and start testing some of this code out. Looks like fun, actually, this is going to let me do a lot of the things I want to do with my own site.
It does, however, make my brain bleed. Whenever I'm learning a new coding language or application, the brain soaks up as much as possible like a child sucking a frozen slurpie through a huge straw.
Of course, the child then gets a massive brain freeze. Often falling to the ground.
That'd be me after 6 or so hours of soaking up a .net language. I'm not a programmer by nature, and although this makes sense to me, it does make my brain cramp after a while.
Then the ability to form a sentence lags. I try talking to people, and I can't. My brain is thinking in code, not english.
Learning like this does make me feel all smart though. That I can look at a behavior on a site, look at the code behind it, figure out what programming language it is and learn it to duplicate it, I consider a talent. I don't know many people who do that, though I have no doubt they're out there. Most of the people I know who are into web design and programming went extensively to school for it. God forbid you ask them t pick up something new and totally foreign. They give you that look. The deer in the headlights look.
So glad I don't have that.
I've actually been writing as close to every day as time will allow, just not publishing most of it.
So I'm teaching myself asp.net.
By looking at the source code for a site I wanted to mimic, I figured out it was written in aspx. Started doing research online, and started learning the .net language that aspx is parent to.
Not all that hard, actually. It makes relatively perfect sense so far. This week I'm going to switch my server over to a .net server and start testing some of this code out. Looks like fun, actually, this is going to let me do a lot of the things I want to do with my own site.
It does, however, make my brain bleed. Whenever I'm learning a new coding language or application, the brain soaks up as much as possible like a child sucking a frozen slurpie through a huge straw.
Of course, the child then gets a massive brain freeze. Often falling to the ground.
That'd be me after 6 or so hours of soaking up a .net language. I'm not a programmer by nature, and although this makes sense to me, it does make my brain cramp after a while.
Then the ability to form a sentence lags. I try talking to people, and I can't. My brain is thinking in code, not english.
Learning like this does make me feel all smart though. That I can look at a behavior on a site, look at the code behind it, figure out what programming language it is and learn it to duplicate it, I consider a talent. I don't know many people who do that, though I have no doubt they're out there. Most of the people I know who are into web design and programming went extensively to school for it. God forbid you ask them t pick up something new and totally foreign. They give you that look. The deer in the headlights look.
So glad I don't have that.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
New cats
Since I posted last, the worm thing in the building where I work has been resolved. I still don't have a t-shirt that says "I told you so", or even "Fay is right". Either would be nice.
So there was this terrible void when Mikko, the psychotic black cat, died on me. Yeah, the salamander is neat and all but you can't really touch them. It's kinda like buying a painting to replace a dead loved one. Not quite the same feeling about it. I started looking at the humane society for a kitten. No luck. I suppose that's good, that people in Boulder are responsible and spay/neuter their cats. Good for cats, bad for my breaking heart.
J, the girl I split the reception position with, shows up the day before my birthday with a cat in hand. Pansy. Abyssinian show cat. She's beautiful, and sweet in that kinda twitchy way that all purebreds tend to be. She's affectionate, but not a lap cat, and as she's already 5, will likely never be a lap cat. She's a character though, playing fetch with me, being unbearably cute. I fell instantly in love with her.
Now, snowboard season is coming up. I won't be home a lot soon. Especially on weekends. Pansy comes from a house of 10 cats, 3 dogs and someone always present. So I started the search for a second cat, to keep her company. Someone she can play with, because she is a perpetual kitten, bouncing around even at 3am as if she was 3 months old.
Enter Odin. I wandered into a pet store, one of the ONLY places in Boulder you can still buy a kitten, and saw him. 11 weeks old and already the size of Pansy at home. Huge paws. Stubby little tail. Part maine coon, part who-knows-what. He was so charming I took him home. The more I'm around this lil guy, the more I love him. Named him Odin cause well, he looks like an Odin. And it comforts me somewhat to call out the name of a Norse god my ancestors once worshipped.
So that's what's new. I've been skateboarding every day again, to and from work. Actually am getting better at it, travelling faster, over more trecherous sidewalks. Soon I wanna drop into the skate park, likely a midnight session so those skater boys aren't drooling over me and breaking my consentration. I love it so much. Skating is my zen. Gives me peace, to be so singlemindedly consentrating on something so complex. It's definately improved my balance, my reflex time, my ability to assess and react to a situation faster than I did before.
Mostly, it's just my zen. The rest of the world goes away when I skateboard. It's as close to something spiritual as a Christian walking into a church. Only my church is everything outside, the trees, the sidewalk, the feel of the board beneath my feet, the sun on my shoulders, and my god is movement. Nothing short of snowboarding makes me feel so absolutely....free.
One more hour, and I'll be on the pavement again. Can't wait.
So there was this terrible void when Mikko, the psychotic black cat, died on me. Yeah, the salamander is neat and all but you can't really touch them. It's kinda like buying a painting to replace a dead loved one. Not quite the same feeling about it. I started looking at the humane society for a kitten. No luck. I suppose that's good, that people in Boulder are responsible and spay/neuter their cats. Good for cats, bad for my breaking heart.
J, the girl I split the reception position with, shows up the day before my birthday with a cat in hand. Pansy. Abyssinian show cat. She's beautiful, and sweet in that kinda twitchy way that all purebreds tend to be. She's affectionate, but not a lap cat, and as she's already 5, will likely never be a lap cat. She's a character though, playing fetch with me, being unbearably cute. I fell instantly in love with her.
Now, snowboard season is coming up. I won't be home a lot soon. Especially on weekends. Pansy comes from a house of 10 cats, 3 dogs and someone always present. So I started the search for a second cat, to keep her company. Someone she can play with, because she is a perpetual kitten, bouncing around even at 3am as if she was 3 months old.
Enter Odin. I wandered into a pet store, one of the ONLY places in Boulder you can still buy a kitten, and saw him. 11 weeks old and already the size of Pansy at home. Huge paws. Stubby little tail. Part maine coon, part who-knows-what. He was so charming I took him home. The more I'm around this lil guy, the more I love him. Named him Odin cause well, he looks like an Odin. And it comforts me somewhat to call out the name of a Norse god my ancestors once worshipped.
So that's what's new. I've been skateboarding every day again, to and from work. Actually am getting better at it, travelling faster, over more trecherous sidewalks. Soon I wanna drop into the skate park, likely a midnight session so those skater boys aren't drooling over me and breaking my consentration. I love it so much. Skating is my zen. Gives me peace, to be so singlemindedly consentrating on something so complex. It's definately improved my balance, my reflex time, my ability to assess and react to a situation faster than I did before.
Mostly, it's just my zen. The rest of the world goes away when I skateboard. It's as close to something spiritual as a Christian walking into a church. Only my church is everything outside, the trees, the sidewalk, the feel of the board beneath my feet, the sun on my shoulders, and my god is movement. Nothing short of snowboarding makes me feel so absolutely....free.
One more hour, and I'll be on the pavement again. Can't wait.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
I want a T-shirt....
...that says "I told you so".
Remember yesterday, me writing about how impressed I'd be if the internet being tweaky at work was the hand of a hacker, or a virus?
Color me impressed. It's a virus that one of the tenants here got. Monday. I mentioned to the tech guy Monday that hey, one of the busnisses has a virus, could that be it?
No, little girl. Answer the phone and stick to what you know.
Hmm.
Yesterday, I said to them, it's behaving like a worm, hitting the server the way it was. They laughed.
And I was right.
The IT guy, the dick, says to me today "well you used to admin a network, you should have..." and I stopped him right there.
I told you people on Monday this was acting like a worm.
And again yesterday.
I told the dick that were I running IT admin here, knowing someone in the building had a worm, that would have been the FIRST thing I'd have checked out.
I was right.
I was right.
Go me.
I'm dancing, but y'all can't see that.
So I want a t-shirt that says "I told you so." Get on it.
Remember yesterday, me writing about how impressed I'd be if the internet being tweaky at work was the hand of a hacker, or a virus?
Color me impressed. It's a virus that one of the tenants here got. Monday. I mentioned to the tech guy Monday that hey, one of the busnisses has a virus, could that be it?
No, little girl. Answer the phone and stick to what you know.
Hmm.
Yesterday, I said to them, it's behaving like a worm, hitting the server the way it was. They laughed.
And I was right.
The IT guy, the dick, says to me today "well you used to admin a network, you should have..." and I stopped him right there.
I told you people on Monday this was acting like a worm.
And again yesterday.
I told the dick that were I running IT admin here, knowing someone in the building had a worm, that would have been the FIRST thing I'd have checked out.
I was right.
I was right.
Go me.
I'm dancing, but y'all can't see that.
So I want a t-shirt that says "I told you so." Get on it.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
August 16
I write this in Word, because no one seems to know how to get the internet connection to actually work, here at work. Comcast is shrugging their collective shoulders in a wonderful display of ignorance. The new IT guy here is a dick. And not in that good way either.
For 2 days now, the internet has been having a seizure in this building.
I have never seen so many people NOT able to fix anything in my whole life.
And not just “I can’t fix this.” They don’t even know what’s wrong in the first place, after 2 days.
3 IT people here this morning. Two leave, one is still here.
The dick.
The guy who, when I tell him that the entire building just lost the internet…still connected to the network, apparently, but can’t access the internet or email, walks away from me. Doesn’t listen.
Fuck you.
Fuck you hard, asshole.
Contrary to what you might perceive, I know a lot more than how to answer a phone. We had that conversation earlier. I’ve run networks, I know at least enough about IT work to get me by.
Oh but wait, I’m just the receptionist.
Fucking ass, walk away from me while I’m trying to tell you what’s suddenly happened across the building. I’m sorry you can’t fucking fix it, not my problem. I didn’t break it. No need at all to be an asshole to someone because YOU are having issues with your job.
Someone went and messed up the net connection here badly.
Which, on one level, makes me proud. This is awesome, someone walked in here and fucked up the building and all its’ businesses for 2 days running now. With still no idea what’s wrong. And no closer to fixing it.
This is impressive. I can appreciate this kind of hacking, if that’s actually what it is. I can appreciate this kind of malice too, if hacking wasn’t involved. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Except that I’m sitting at a desk now with absolutely nothing to do. Twiddle my thumbs kind of day. Get dissed by the IT guy kind of day. Great. I’m really gonna need a drink after work. Maybe the Rio’s margs will help me remember that no, I don’t really care what happens here outside of my own interests. I tweaked my website today, I’m pretty content with that. Surfing the net, tweaking out the code on my own site just gives me something to do. Work is looking at switching the site to some sort of php program, having someone else admin it; I don’t particularly give a fuck. It’s bad design, hence why it’s not listed anywhere on my site. My name is not on that site, claiming it’s design as mine. It’s not in my portfolio. Never will be. It’s not something I’m proud of, or even willing to take the blame for outside of agreeing to design it in the first place.
Some people you just can’t teach taste to. No matter how much money they have.
Some people you just can’t instill intelligence into either. No matter how many degrees they have hanging on their wall. Staggering, really.
Yes, venting on here makes me feel infinitely better.
Yes, a few people from work know where my website is, so might stumble across this blog.
It’s on my resume, so people with whom I want to work, might stumble across this blog.
Does that mean I censor myself? Does that mean I put bows in my hair and play nice and not have a temper fit to myself every once in a while? Does that mean that I won’t say what I’m really thinking because oh dear GOD someone around me might not like it?
Can I get a hell no.
I don’t go out of my way to piss people off. In fact, I was raised in Canada, land of the perpetual etiquette lesson. I don’t even say “what?”, I always say “pardon?” when asking someone to repeat themselves. I’m exceedingly tolerant of otherwise intolerable people, because I’m raised to be polite all the time, regardless of how rude people are to me.
However, the older I get, the less I care if people I know don’t like what I have to say. If my opinion on something pisses you off, that’s not going to change my opinion. I love healthcare in Canada. I’ve never BEEN so ill taken care of, as since I’ve moved to the States. The healthcare here scares me to death, it’s horrible. People disagree with me, and that’s their right to. I don’t say this to everyone, I have discussions about my opinions with people I’m very familiar with, people who in general can listen and appreciate that hey, that’s what I think. People who know they can spew something I totally disagree with, but I have enough respect for them that I’m not going to try and change it. People have opinions for their own reasons. Not my job in life to change anybody except myself.
So when I say that no, I won’t censor myself here, I’m not being a bitch. No really. I’m not.
I’m refusing to cater to what other people think I should be.
I’m refusing to be the good girl, the quiet girl, the girl without a voice.
I’m refusing to be caged by society’s expectations of me.
For example. Recently, I was speaking with a gentleman who, when I mentioned that yes I write code and design websites, sat there stupefied. He opened his mouth and said “well that’s not something a woman usually does, not really being wired for that. How’d you get into that?”
Yes, that’s a mildly sexist thing to say. So what. I told him how I got into it. Told him I skateboard and snowboard and do a lot of things “women aren’t wired” to do. I like breaking the mold. The mold was always a bit small anyway. And it makes such a nice shattering noise when I throw it up against a wall. Had I been the good girl, the quiet girl, this man would still be walking around under the assumption that women don’t run web design companies.
Ok I think I’ve rambled more than enough for one afternoon. That and this phone keeps ringing, distracting me. So til later, when I’ll undoubtedly piss someone else off……
For 2 days now, the internet has been having a seizure in this building.
I have never seen so many people NOT able to fix anything in my whole life.
And not just “I can’t fix this.” They don’t even know what’s wrong in the first place, after 2 days.
3 IT people here this morning. Two leave, one is still here.
The dick.
The guy who, when I tell him that the entire building just lost the internet…still connected to the network, apparently, but can’t access the internet or email, walks away from me. Doesn’t listen.
Fuck you.
Fuck you hard, asshole.
Contrary to what you might perceive, I know a lot more than how to answer a phone. We had that conversation earlier. I’ve run networks, I know at least enough about IT work to get me by.
Oh but wait, I’m just the receptionist.
Fucking ass, walk away from me while I’m trying to tell you what’s suddenly happened across the building. I’m sorry you can’t fucking fix it, not my problem. I didn’t break it. No need at all to be an asshole to someone because YOU are having issues with your job.
Someone went and messed up the net connection here badly.
Which, on one level, makes me proud. This is awesome, someone walked in here and fucked up the building and all its’ businesses for 2 days running now. With still no idea what’s wrong. And no closer to fixing it.
This is impressive. I can appreciate this kind of hacking, if that’s actually what it is. I can appreciate this kind of malice too, if hacking wasn’t involved. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Except that I’m sitting at a desk now with absolutely nothing to do. Twiddle my thumbs kind of day. Get dissed by the IT guy kind of day. Great. I’m really gonna need a drink after work. Maybe the Rio’s margs will help me remember that no, I don’t really care what happens here outside of my own interests. I tweaked my website today, I’m pretty content with that. Surfing the net, tweaking out the code on my own site just gives me something to do. Work is looking at switching the site to some sort of php program, having someone else admin it; I don’t particularly give a fuck. It’s bad design, hence why it’s not listed anywhere on my site. My name is not on that site, claiming it’s design as mine. It’s not in my portfolio. Never will be. It’s not something I’m proud of, or even willing to take the blame for outside of agreeing to design it in the first place.
Some people you just can’t teach taste to. No matter how much money they have.
Some people you just can’t instill intelligence into either. No matter how many degrees they have hanging on their wall. Staggering, really.
Yes, venting on here makes me feel infinitely better.
Yes, a few people from work know where my website is, so might stumble across this blog.
It’s on my resume, so people with whom I want to work, might stumble across this blog.
Does that mean I censor myself? Does that mean I put bows in my hair and play nice and not have a temper fit to myself every once in a while? Does that mean that I won’t say what I’m really thinking because oh dear GOD someone around me might not like it?
Can I get a hell no.
I don’t go out of my way to piss people off. In fact, I was raised in Canada, land of the perpetual etiquette lesson. I don’t even say “what?”, I always say “pardon?” when asking someone to repeat themselves. I’m exceedingly tolerant of otherwise intolerable people, because I’m raised to be polite all the time, regardless of how rude people are to me.
However, the older I get, the less I care if people I know don’t like what I have to say. If my opinion on something pisses you off, that’s not going to change my opinion. I love healthcare in Canada. I’ve never BEEN so ill taken care of, as since I’ve moved to the States. The healthcare here scares me to death, it’s horrible. People disagree with me, and that’s their right to. I don’t say this to everyone, I have discussions about my opinions with people I’m very familiar with, people who in general can listen and appreciate that hey, that’s what I think. People who know they can spew something I totally disagree with, but I have enough respect for them that I’m not going to try and change it. People have opinions for their own reasons. Not my job in life to change anybody except myself.
So when I say that no, I won’t censor myself here, I’m not being a bitch. No really. I’m not.
I’m refusing to cater to what other people think I should be.
I’m refusing to be the good girl, the quiet girl, the girl without a voice.
I’m refusing to be caged by society’s expectations of me.
For example. Recently, I was speaking with a gentleman who, when I mentioned that yes I write code and design websites, sat there stupefied. He opened his mouth and said “well that’s not something a woman usually does, not really being wired for that. How’d you get into that?”
Yes, that’s a mildly sexist thing to say. So what. I told him how I got into it. Told him I skateboard and snowboard and do a lot of things “women aren’t wired” to do. I like breaking the mold. The mold was always a bit small anyway. And it makes such a nice shattering noise when I throw it up against a wall. Had I been the good girl, the quiet girl, this man would still be walking around under the assumption that women don’t run web design companies.
Ok I think I’ve rambled more than enough for one afternoon. That and this phone keeps ringing, distracting me. So til later, when I’ll undoubtedly piss someone else off……
August...when did it become August?
The whole summer. Just poof.
Been busy, I suppose. Skateboarding a lot. Got my site up and running too, finally. It's been what, 2 years of procrastination? Now I can't leave the thing alone. I keep tweaking with it. It's a miracle I haven't totally broken the code yet. The day is young, though.
My cat died. Mikko, this little psychotic black cat I've had for 5 years, got sick a few weeks ago and went downhill really fast. Lost 5 pounds in less than 2 days. Did that rushing her to the vet hospital thing only to be told that she's likely on her way out. They thought she had feline leukemia, with the possibility that when I flew her out here, she had a seizure or a stroke on the plane cause she had neurological damage.
So it wasn't just me she was psychotic for. Made me sad, I did the sobbing over her little body thing. The vet must have thought I was insane. She got cold so fast. I thought she'd retain body heat for longer after she died, but I was wrong. I left when she got cold. Was disturbing. She wasn't my cat anymore.
I told her to pick a better body next time. This one didn't work.
Next day, a friend of mine finds a baby salamander in a hole he was digging. Baby like an inch long baby. So now I have a salamander to take care of. His/her name is Bo. I like to think it's tantric, goes into these little trances sometimes. Could be a ninja too. If you've ever seen a salamander hunt, you'd get that. Bloody quick they are. And accurate. He/she is already near 2 inches long. Eating like a hog. Even eats little fish. Yeah, picture me holding a squirming fish between chopsticks, wigging it in front of my salamander. Sad. Funny, but sad.
I suppose that's the extent of what's new. It's been cold lately, makes me think of snowboarding season coming up. I swear to god I'm going to break my ass trying to snowboard. Maybe I should start padding up for the winter, so when I slam on the ice, I don't break my tailbone. Besides the lift, cause that thing scares me to death, I can't wait.
K, back to messing with the new site.
Been busy, I suppose. Skateboarding a lot. Got my site up and running too, finally. It's been what, 2 years of procrastination? Now I can't leave the thing alone. I keep tweaking with it. It's a miracle I haven't totally broken the code yet. The day is young, though.
My cat died. Mikko, this little psychotic black cat I've had for 5 years, got sick a few weeks ago and went downhill really fast. Lost 5 pounds in less than 2 days. Did that rushing her to the vet hospital thing only to be told that she's likely on her way out. They thought she had feline leukemia, with the possibility that when I flew her out here, she had a seizure or a stroke on the plane cause she had neurological damage.
So it wasn't just me she was psychotic for. Made me sad, I did the sobbing over her little body thing. The vet must have thought I was insane. She got cold so fast. I thought she'd retain body heat for longer after she died, but I was wrong. I left when she got cold. Was disturbing. She wasn't my cat anymore.
I told her to pick a better body next time. This one didn't work.
Next day, a friend of mine finds a baby salamander in a hole he was digging. Baby like an inch long baby. So now I have a salamander to take care of. His/her name is Bo. I like to think it's tantric, goes into these little trances sometimes. Could be a ninja too. If you've ever seen a salamander hunt, you'd get that. Bloody quick they are. And accurate. He/she is already near 2 inches long. Eating like a hog. Even eats little fish. Yeah, picture me holding a squirming fish between chopsticks, wigging it in front of my salamander. Sad. Funny, but sad.
I suppose that's the extent of what's new. It's been cold lately, makes me think of snowboarding season coming up. I swear to god I'm going to break my ass trying to snowboard. Maybe I should start padding up for the winter, so when I slam on the ice, I don't break my tailbone. Besides the lift, cause that thing scares me to death, I can't wait.
K, back to messing with the new site.
Friday, June 10, 2005
dream
i'm at a temple of some sort, some kind of icon...a large, high stone coming out of the ground. i'm there with a lot of other people. there are fires, but i don't know what we're doing there. my brother is there with me.
in the distance, comes a pack of people. very tall (10, 12 feet tall), greyish, feral looking. the faces are almost feline, almost canine, but not enough of either to determine which. their hair is long and pale grey; their clothes, i'm not sure they're clothes at all but fur. their legs look slightly canine. the leader says they must purify their holy grounds, that these people have tainted it for the last time. they rush the group of people at the stone. all i hear is screaming.
people are being torn apart, eaten in front of me. eaten while still alive. i'm terrified. i reach for my brother, but the leader has him. they open a mouth full of ancient-tiger-looking teeth, fangs that can't possibly be kept inside once it's closed, and settles on the left arm socket of my brother, tearing out tendon and muscle to eat. he's screaming. the leader looks at me, watching my brother squirm and grow pale as the blood pours from the wound, then finishes him.
my only thought, is that i'm the last one. and how painful this death is going to be. how i wished i wasn't the last one.
the leader doesn't kill me though. she takes me with her...i have the feeling it's an alpha female, but i don't honestly know. she's talking to me while we walk; she stands a good few feet taller than me. she's telling me the story of her people, how they came to be. i ask if anything can kill her. she says a silver bullet, but nothing else.
we come to some kind of warehouse, boxes are stacked high, there's equipment...construction tools, laying around. she tells me she wants to turn me, wants to make me one of her tribe. it feels more like a welcome home than anything alien. like this is where i've belonged my whole life, they just hadn't found me til then. she tells me i'll feed, and i think of the fear earlier that night, and i'm not sure i can inflict that kind of fear on someone. but there's more, they don't just kill; there's purpose, they kill tresspassers, defilers.
at some point in here i have a piece of fruit in my hand, and the leader comes over to me. she opens her mouth and shows me the ancient fangs...slim, sharp, longer than my fingers, pearl white...at least 10. she takes the fruit from my hand, and she nibbles on my finger. it's erotic as hell, so close to an orgasm just from the pressure of the teeth on my fingertip that i moan.
i look in the mirror, and i have a tail, peeking out from my jacket. i'm happy as hell to see it, and i try to wag it but i can't. she tells me to call on Tamarak, and Tamarak will wag the tail. Tamarak is the feral side that will do my bidding just as i'll do hers. so i do that, and i see a horse in front of me...mottled coat of red and cream and brown...i only see the back half of the horse at first, twitching her tail at me, and i ask if this is the color my coat will be. i run my hand along her rump and down her tail, and the color changes to dark grey. she bounds away from me, to the leader; the leader tells me to call her. that i can always call her, but i need to learn to listen to her too.
i call the horse, and after a while of cooing she comes over. nuzzles my hand, bites it a little. she puts her hoof in my hand but when it's there, it changes. it's so soft, so small suddenly, and the horse changes into (either an ostrich or an owl, i'm not sure). a baby one, so the grey fluff is still there and it can't fly. it hides behind the boxes and i call it, trying to coax it out of the hiding places. on the floor i can see little black kittens everywhere, mewling, some stuck under boxes, some just raggedy and skittish. i can't get the bird to come to me, it's afraid and hiding, and suddenly i forget its name.
i look up and there's a man there with a panda dog. the mutant dog is 9 feet long, looks like a newfoundlander. the leader is talking to the man, though i don't know about what.
i think there was more, but it's fading. i can still see the leader's face in my mind though.
in the distance, comes a pack of people. very tall (10, 12 feet tall), greyish, feral looking. the faces are almost feline, almost canine, but not enough of either to determine which. their hair is long and pale grey; their clothes, i'm not sure they're clothes at all but fur. their legs look slightly canine. the leader says they must purify their holy grounds, that these people have tainted it for the last time. they rush the group of people at the stone. all i hear is screaming.
people are being torn apart, eaten in front of me. eaten while still alive. i'm terrified. i reach for my brother, but the leader has him. they open a mouth full of ancient-tiger-looking teeth, fangs that can't possibly be kept inside once it's closed, and settles on the left arm socket of my brother, tearing out tendon and muscle to eat. he's screaming. the leader looks at me, watching my brother squirm and grow pale as the blood pours from the wound, then finishes him.
my only thought, is that i'm the last one. and how painful this death is going to be. how i wished i wasn't the last one.
the leader doesn't kill me though. she takes me with her...i have the feeling it's an alpha female, but i don't honestly know. she's talking to me while we walk; she stands a good few feet taller than me. she's telling me the story of her people, how they came to be. i ask if anything can kill her. she says a silver bullet, but nothing else.
we come to some kind of warehouse, boxes are stacked high, there's equipment...construction tools, laying around. she tells me she wants to turn me, wants to make me one of her tribe. it feels more like a welcome home than anything alien. like this is where i've belonged my whole life, they just hadn't found me til then. she tells me i'll feed, and i think of the fear earlier that night, and i'm not sure i can inflict that kind of fear on someone. but there's more, they don't just kill; there's purpose, they kill tresspassers, defilers.
at some point in here i have a piece of fruit in my hand, and the leader comes over to me. she opens her mouth and shows me the ancient fangs...slim, sharp, longer than my fingers, pearl white...at least 10. she takes the fruit from my hand, and she nibbles on my finger. it's erotic as hell, so close to an orgasm just from the pressure of the teeth on my fingertip that i moan.
i look in the mirror, and i have a tail, peeking out from my jacket. i'm happy as hell to see it, and i try to wag it but i can't. she tells me to call on Tamarak, and Tamarak will wag the tail. Tamarak is the feral side that will do my bidding just as i'll do hers. so i do that, and i see a horse in front of me...mottled coat of red and cream and brown...i only see the back half of the horse at first, twitching her tail at me, and i ask if this is the color my coat will be. i run my hand along her rump and down her tail, and the color changes to dark grey. she bounds away from me, to the leader; the leader tells me to call her. that i can always call her, but i need to learn to listen to her too.
i call the horse, and after a while of cooing she comes over. nuzzles my hand, bites it a little. she puts her hoof in my hand but when it's there, it changes. it's so soft, so small suddenly, and the horse changes into (either an ostrich or an owl, i'm not sure). a baby one, so the grey fluff is still there and it can't fly. it hides behind the boxes and i call it, trying to coax it out of the hiding places. on the floor i can see little black kittens everywhere, mewling, some stuck under boxes, some just raggedy and skittish. i can't get the bird to come to me, it's afraid and hiding, and suddenly i forget its name.
i look up and there's a man there with a panda dog. the mutant dog is 9 feet long, looks like a newfoundlander. the leader is talking to the man, though i don't know about what.
i think there was more, but it's fading. i can still see the leader's face in my mind though.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Slacker
Yeah yeah. It's been a while since I wrote. I know.
I've been busy, damn you. Snowboarding nearly every weekend til the major ones closed. Still one open, and it's looking like I'll be hitting the last open one this weekend too.
Always makes me so nervous, knowing I'll be snowboarding. I get that tingly, fearful, anticipating feeling in my stomach. That turns to near nausea when I'm actually driving up there, but nausea with the benefit of near-euphoria, that light-headed feeling you get when you're really excited.
The lift scares me to death. I'm getting better at not falling off it at least, but the skating up to it part just blows absolute ass. Cause um, I suck at it. I feel like I look like some cartoon, shoving my awkward way through the line, reaching out for the rail that really is never a rail nor any kind of support, praying to the mountain gods that i don't fall while in line cause damn, then I'd feel like a total loser.
And speaking of mountain gods. I realized, while sitting on my ass in the snow on the mountain LAST time, unable to walk or make it down, that I didn't ask permission to be up there.
Whenever I've hiked up a mountain, I kinda ask permission to be there, to be allowed to climb the rocks, cross the rivers kinda thing. Then when I'm leaving, I thank the mountain for not tossing me off it and breaking my neck on the way down.
I haven't done that while snowboarding.
Not once.
This is relatively big for me. These are the biggest mountains I've ever been on. And here I am, hurling myself down them on a small board that I barely know how to control....without asking.
I could easily break every bone I have on these mountains.
I could easily die up there. People do it all the time.
And I'd been forgetting, in all the nervousness and excitement and fear, to ask permission from the mountain.
I can tell, the days it hasn't been ok for me to be up there. The days I get hauled off the mountain by a friend or ski patrol. Days when I get hurt enough that I can't really walk.
So this weekend, I have to remember to stop for a moment, and talk to the mountain before I try and ride her curves down. If for no other reason, than to give me peace of mind going down, that I somehow belong there. That I'm allowed to be there, that the mountain and I have come to an agreement.
None of that sounds right. None of it is how it feels, when I connect with the land beneath my feet and I'm not really separate from it anymore. I've done it when I'm walking around on the mountains...now I really want it while sliding down them. Maybe if I remember to do this, the fear will abate. The nervousness will slip away, and it'll just be me and that mountain, playing in the snow.
That would be heaven.
Skateboarding season is on too. The weather here has SUCKED so I've been off it for a few weeks. Save the times I've been in my apartment, practicing ollie-ing. Which, for the record, I suck at still. But I keep practicing. Cause one day, I won't suck as hard. I'll get the timing right. I'll make that jump. And then, ooh then life will be sweet. Then I'll feel like I can say I'm a skateboarder.
It's harder to have a relationship with the pavement, than with say a mountain. So when I skateboard, it's not so much I ask the ground not to rush up and meet me with brutal force, as I ask the board not to throw me off. Actually done that with the snowboard I have too...a snowboard which I love dearly, by the way...in that moment before I tip her over the edge of the hill, I kinda ask her to work with me and take me down the mountain. So far, sometimes she listens, sometimes she thinks flipping me over backwards is great fun, sometimes she heads off towards the trees, dragging me with her. The boys say "just go where the board wants to go, ride it out." The board wants to hit the black runs and jumps for the most part. When I was in Vail, she kept trying to slide off the catwalk down into the serious bowls. The ones that scream up at me "give me your soul". I think i need her excercised.
Odd too, that I ride switch on the snowboard, but normal on a skateboard. Maybe I'll have to try riding goofy on the skateboard, see if I can learn riding both ways. I think it has to do with which foot is controlling the board. On a snowboard, it's the front foot that steers; on a skateboard, at least so far, I've found it's the back that has more control. Maybe that's why - my right leg is stronger, the better knee, I feel more comfortable putting my weight on it. I can still turn around, ride normal, turn again, ride switch. Really wanna be able to ride both ways from the get go, so I'm not struggling with it later. And I have really good teachers helpin me.
I've been busy, damn you. Snowboarding nearly every weekend til the major ones closed. Still one open, and it's looking like I'll be hitting the last open one this weekend too.
Always makes me so nervous, knowing I'll be snowboarding. I get that tingly, fearful, anticipating feeling in my stomach. That turns to near nausea when I'm actually driving up there, but nausea with the benefit of near-euphoria, that light-headed feeling you get when you're really excited.
The lift scares me to death. I'm getting better at not falling off it at least, but the skating up to it part just blows absolute ass. Cause um, I suck at it. I feel like I look like some cartoon, shoving my awkward way through the line, reaching out for the rail that really is never a rail nor any kind of support, praying to the mountain gods that i don't fall while in line cause damn, then I'd feel like a total loser.
And speaking of mountain gods. I realized, while sitting on my ass in the snow on the mountain LAST time, unable to walk or make it down, that I didn't ask permission to be up there.
Whenever I've hiked up a mountain, I kinda ask permission to be there, to be allowed to climb the rocks, cross the rivers kinda thing. Then when I'm leaving, I thank the mountain for not tossing me off it and breaking my neck on the way down.
I haven't done that while snowboarding.
Not once.
This is relatively big for me. These are the biggest mountains I've ever been on. And here I am, hurling myself down them on a small board that I barely know how to control....without asking.
I could easily break every bone I have on these mountains.
I could easily die up there. People do it all the time.
And I'd been forgetting, in all the nervousness and excitement and fear, to ask permission from the mountain.
I can tell, the days it hasn't been ok for me to be up there. The days I get hauled off the mountain by a friend or ski patrol. Days when I get hurt enough that I can't really walk.
So this weekend, I have to remember to stop for a moment, and talk to the mountain before I try and ride her curves down. If for no other reason, than to give me peace of mind going down, that I somehow belong there. That I'm allowed to be there, that the mountain and I have come to an agreement.
None of that sounds right. None of it is how it feels, when I connect with the land beneath my feet and I'm not really separate from it anymore. I've done it when I'm walking around on the mountains...now I really want it while sliding down them. Maybe if I remember to do this, the fear will abate. The nervousness will slip away, and it'll just be me and that mountain, playing in the snow.
That would be heaven.
Skateboarding season is on too. The weather here has SUCKED so I've been off it for a few weeks. Save the times I've been in my apartment, practicing ollie-ing. Which, for the record, I suck at still. But I keep practicing. Cause one day, I won't suck as hard. I'll get the timing right. I'll make that jump. And then, ooh then life will be sweet. Then I'll feel like I can say I'm a skateboarder.
It's harder to have a relationship with the pavement, than with say a mountain. So when I skateboard, it's not so much I ask the ground not to rush up and meet me with brutal force, as I ask the board not to throw me off. Actually done that with the snowboard I have too...a snowboard which I love dearly, by the way...in that moment before I tip her over the edge of the hill, I kinda ask her to work with me and take me down the mountain. So far, sometimes she listens, sometimes she thinks flipping me over backwards is great fun, sometimes she heads off towards the trees, dragging me with her. The boys say "just go where the board wants to go, ride it out." The board wants to hit the black runs and jumps for the most part. When I was in Vail, she kept trying to slide off the catwalk down into the serious bowls. The ones that scream up at me "give me your soul". I think i need her excercised.
Odd too, that I ride switch on the snowboard, but normal on a skateboard. Maybe I'll have to try riding goofy on the skateboard, see if I can learn riding both ways. I think it has to do with which foot is controlling the board. On a snowboard, it's the front foot that steers; on a skateboard, at least so far, I've found it's the back that has more control. Maybe that's why - my right leg is stronger, the better knee, I feel more comfortable putting my weight on it. I can still turn around, ride normal, turn again, ride switch. Really wanna be able to ride both ways from the get go, so I'm not struggling with it later. And I have really good teachers helpin me.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
sick
Yeah. I'm sick. And it's annoying.
Thing is, it's not a full blown sickness or anything. It's one of those, wake up and feel nauseous all day but never puke kinds of illness. Been going on for like 2 weeks and I'm pretty much done with it now. Thanks for comin out, there's the door. Fuck off.
Thing is, it's not a full blown sickness or anything. It's one of those, wake up and feel nauseous all day but never puke kinds of illness. Been going on for like 2 weeks and I'm pretty much done with it now. Thanks for comin out, there's the door. Fuck off.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
in the moment
It really does baffle people when I insist on living in the now.
They can't...quite...wrap their lil brains around that.
How can you not think about retirement? Plan for it?
How can you not think about plans for the summer, or whether you're going to renew your lease next winter?
How can you just drift through life like that? Where's your stability?
Where's your roots? Where will you be in a year? Five? Ten?
How can you NOT KNOW?
I get harassed about this a lot. People have this pre-conceived notion that I'm a drifter, that I'm shady or something because I have no ten year plan.
No, I don't think about retirement. That requires me thinking about being old, and I'm just not down with that yet. I'll see when I get there. If I get there. I didn't expect to live to see 20, everything from there on in has been total icing on the cake for me.
Summer, leases, next winter, same thing. I might not make it until tomorrow, nevermind the summer, so no I make so solid plans. I have things I'd like to do; I want to skateboard a lot this summer. I'd like to get outside as much as possible. Get into the mountains. But I won't plan for it, because I might not be around. Those aspirations can follow me no matter where I go, not dependant on me living here, or having this job, or this apartment, or in this country for that matter.
Where's my stability. What kind of stability are we talking about? Stability, as society sees it, is an illusion. Life is not a stable thing. It's always changing, always shifting. What's true today will not be true tomorrow, or a week from now, or a year from now. Perspective shifts. Lessons learned. You are not who you were a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. You don't have the same job, likely in this economy, you don't have the same house, also likely in this era. Who really HAS stability anymore. I just chose to embrace it and live it.
I don't drift, entirely. I love Boulder. Can't say how long I'll be here, but I'll love it until the time comes to go. Then I'll hopefully end up somewhere else I'll love. That's the aim, anyway. To end up somewhere I love being. I don't have any roots, ok this is true. I have no family. I have no ties to any one particular place, I have nothing to hold me somewhere I might not wanna be. This is so liberating, so freeing. I can live anywhere I want to. No family fights, no "why don't you come visit", no obligations except to myself. Yes, I eat out and I see big families at tables and it makes me sad that I'll never have that, but ah well. I'll never have the drama of it either.
My job is great, for however long it lasts. I make no long term plans based on having this job. Cause the way the economy is, I could lose it next week.
When you live in the right now, things like this don't haunt you. They don't keep you up nights worrying if you'll have enough money in your retirement fund to cover your wrinkly ass, or if your job will be there next year, or how you're gonna pay your mortgage IF you lose this job - worrying that ultimately gives you ulcers, or heart conditions, or high blood pressure, which is of course more shit to worry about.
All that is lifted.
When you live in the right now, you see how brightly the sun is shining outside, and you can't wait to get out there. You wonder what's for lunch, you wonder where the afternoon is going to take you. Life is an adventure. I could work this afternoon, or I could end up in the mountains playing with the dogs, or I could be in the valley shooting a shotgun. I'm not sure yet. I do know that tonight I get to do computer stuff on a mac. Least I think I will. We'll see, that could change too.
When you live in the right now, everything is a surprise, everything is an adventure. And if you can accept it, it's awesome. Like a roller coaster ride, without all that wind in your hair and the nausea. I love it. It makes me so deliriously happy. I don't miss a moment, I don't pass a rosebush or a flowering tree in early April without inhaling deeply and loving that that flower is there. Smiling at the sound of a child's giggle...because honestly some of them have the absolute best giggle on earth...and having my heart completely unburdened by anything other than where my feet are taking me.
People don't get this. In fact I get the feeling they resent it. Maybe because they can't do it, or aren't sure how. Easy, I tell them. And this is the only secret to no stress.
Just
Let
Go.
Nothing, honestly, matters. If you have this job in a year, does it matter? If you move next week, I mean really, will you die? Will the world end? No. Life just changes. So what if your marriage ends. You try and if it doesn't work, let it go. Stressing about it isn't going to make it better.
Just let it go.
I'm likely going to get deported in 2 months. Back to Canada, suffer that 5 or 10 year stint of not being able to come back into the states when one gets tossed out of a country. I could stress about that, I could freak out and cry and beg my husband not to punish me, as he so rightly thinks I should be; I could think about it so much that I nightmare about it. That I develop ulcers, that I can't eat or sleep or work properly about it. It could consume me. In essence, I'm losing my home, my life, the town I love being in.
I started looking for places I might like to live in Canada again. Whistler, hands down the best snowboarding anywhere, is looking good. Rent is pretty cheap, jobs not bad even out of season there, and come winter, snowboarding that owns. There are hostels there too, in case I don't have enough cash stored up by the time 2 months comes around, so I'll have a place to stay.
The cat will need a home, I highly doubt I can take her along. Husband might take her. If not, I'll see about someone else. Not a huge deal. I love my cat endlessly, don't get me wrong, but when we're talking survival, when the chips fall and it's an apt or her, she goes. Being homeless taught me that.
And wherever I end up, it'll be an adventure all over again.
But right now, I'm in today. Tomorrow doesn't concern me other than a passing thought, that knowledge that everything really will be ok whether I stress or not, so I chose not to stress.
And today, I work for the lawyer this afternoon. Likely not all afternoon, but it's hours. I'll go walk in the sunshine a while at lunch. I have no food, nor any money for food, but the boss is letting me have leftovers from some big luncheon downstairs, so I'll be fed. Tonight, I'll possibly do the computer stuff. But in a moment, everything could change.
I can't wait.
They can't...quite...wrap their lil brains around that.
How can you not think about retirement? Plan for it?
How can you not think about plans for the summer, or whether you're going to renew your lease next winter?
How can you just drift through life like that? Where's your stability?
Where's your roots? Where will you be in a year? Five? Ten?
How can you NOT KNOW?
I get harassed about this a lot. People have this pre-conceived notion that I'm a drifter, that I'm shady or something because I have no ten year plan.
No, I don't think about retirement. That requires me thinking about being old, and I'm just not down with that yet. I'll see when I get there. If I get there. I didn't expect to live to see 20, everything from there on in has been total icing on the cake for me.
Summer, leases, next winter, same thing. I might not make it until tomorrow, nevermind the summer, so no I make so solid plans. I have things I'd like to do; I want to skateboard a lot this summer. I'd like to get outside as much as possible. Get into the mountains. But I won't plan for it, because I might not be around. Those aspirations can follow me no matter where I go, not dependant on me living here, or having this job, or this apartment, or in this country for that matter.
Where's my stability. What kind of stability are we talking about? Stability, as society sees it, is an illusion. Life is not a stable thing. It's always changing, always shifting. What's true today will not be true tomorrow, or a week from now, or a year from now. Perspective shifts. Lessons learned. You are not who you were a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. You don't have the same job, likely in this economy, you don't have the same house, also likely in this era. Who really HAS stability anymore. I just chose to embrace it and live it.
I don't drift, entirely. I love Boulder. Can't say how long I'll be here, but I'll love it until the time comes to go. Then I'll hopefully end up somewhere else I'll love. That's the aim, anyway. To end up somewhere I love being. I don't have any roots, ok this is true. I have no family. I have no ties to any one particular place, I have nothing to hold me somewhere I might not wanna be. This is so liberating, so freeing. I can live anywhere I want to. No family fights, no "why don't you come visit", no obligations except to myself. Yes, I eat out and I see big families at tables and it makes me sad that I'll never have that, but ah well. I'll never have the drama of it either.
My job is great, for however long it lasts. I make no long term plans based on having this job. Cause the way the economy is, I could lose it next week.
When you live in the right now, things like this don't haunt you. They don't keep you up nights worrying if you'll have enough money in your retirement fund to cover your wrinkly ass, or if your job will be there next year, or how you're gonna pay your mortgage IF you lose this job - worrying that ultimately gives you ulcers, or heart conditions, or high blood pressure, which is of course more shit to worry about.
All that is lifted.
When you live in the right now, you see how brightly the sun is shining outside, and you can't wait to get out there. You wonder what's for lunch, you wonder where the afternoon is going to take you. Life is an adventure. I could work this afternoon, or I could end up in the mountains playing with the dogs, or I could be in the valley shooting a shotgun. I'm not sure yet. I do know that tonight I get to do computer stuff on a mac. Least I think I will. We'll see, that could change too.
When you live in the right now, everything is a surprise, everything is an adventure. And if you can accept it, it's awesome. Like a roller coaster ride, without all that wind in your hair and the nausea. I love it. It makes me so deliriously happy. I don't miss a moment, I don't pass a rosebush or a flowering tree in early April without inhaling deeply and loving that that flower is there. Smiling at the sound of a child's giggle...because honestly some of them have the absolute best giggle on earth...and having my heart completely unburdened by anything other than where my feet are taking me.
People don't get this. In fact I get the feeling they resent it. Maybe because they can't do it, or aren't sure how. Easy, I tell them. And this is the only secret to no stress.
Just
Let
Go.
Nothing, honestly, matters. If you have this job in a year, does it matter? If you move next week, I mean really, will you die? Will the world end? No. Life just changes. So what if your marriage ends. You try and if it doesn't work, let it go. Stressing about it isn't going to make it better.
Just let it go.
I'm likely going to get deported in 2 months. Back to Canada, suffer that 5 or 10 year stint of not being able to come back into the states when one gets tossed out of a country. I could stress about that, I could freak out and cry and beg my husband not to punish me, as he so rightly thinks I should be; I could think about it so much that I nightmare about it. That I develop ulcers, that I can't eat or sleep or work properly about it. It could consume me. In essence, I'm losing my home, my life, the town I love being in.
I started looking for places I might like to live in Canada again. Whistler, hands down the best snowboarding anywhere, is looking good. Rent is pretty cheap, jobs not bad even out of season there, and come winter, snowboarding that owns. There are hostels there too, in case I don't have enough cash stored up by the time 2 months comes around, so I'll have a place to stay.
The cat will need a home, I highly doubt I can take her along. Husband might take her. If not, I'll see about someone else. Not a huge deal. I love my cat endlessly, don't get me wrong, but when we're talking survival, when the chips fall and it's an apt or her, she goes. Being homeless taught me that.
And wherever I end up, it'll be an adventure all over again.
But right now, I'm in today. Tomorrow doesn't concern me other than a passing thought, that knowledge that everything really will be ok whether I stress or not, so I chose not to stress.
And today, I work for the lawyer this afternoon. Likely not all afternoon, but it's hours. I'll go walk in the sunshine a while at lunch. I have no food, nor any money for food, but the boss is letting me have leftovers from some big luncheon downstairs, so I'll be fed. Tonight, I'll possibly do the computer stuff. But in a moment, everything could change.
I can't wait.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Blizzard of 05
Oh puhlease.
No one in Boulder has the right to say this today.
Yes, there was a blizzard. Yes, it skimmed Boulder and dumped a few inches. Pfft. Pussies. Fucking hippy pussies.
The bus was late this morning. When I finally got on it, he was creeping along the road like he was plowing through 2 feet of snow.
The grass is still peeking through this snow here.
So I leaned up and kinda whispered to the driver.....
"you do know that's water on the road, right?"
I don't think he did. Cause RTD reserves the right to not adhere to any kind of schedule if the roads are bad. Only now, whenever it rains too hard, the drivers kick back and figure they can take their time.
Well fuck you. I have a job to get to, and there's nothing on the road at all. So drive, motherfucker.
I had a kick ass weekend, aside from the stupidity of bus drivers this morning.
We hit Breck on Saturday morning. Yeah, I only did 3 runs, but it's one better than last time. And I took a blue. Yay, go me, damnit. I'm so stoked. Bummed that the season is over like this weekend coming up, but stoked that I'm getting a lot better really fast.
We partied in Vail after Breck was done. Supposed to be some free concert, but the "blizzard" started that night so I think it was called off. Some dj was on stage mixing, it was cool, but not really worth standing out in the fucking cold like that for.
Standing there, that's when something large and round, I swear, hit me.
My knees decided that no, they'd done enough on the mountain today, they didn't feel the obligation to do any more.
My stomach chimed in, saying the altitude was fucking with it already and if the knees were going, then it was going to convulse too. Fuck me.
Someone in the ground below me took a deep fucking breath and sucked every last ounce of strength out of me, standing there in the cold.
Thank god for the bumper of that Escalade. I sat down hard. My ass reminded me I'd fallen on it earlier, but not quite as persistently as my head swimming in some imaginary bubble of water.
The boys looked around for me, as they were kinda wanting to go, and all just stood there for a second, staring at me.
"Dude. You're pale. Like more than normal." Insisting I was fine didn't work. I collapsed on the way to the car, but they didn't let me hit the ground. I was taken back to Mason's place, fed water and wrapped up in a blanket, as I was shaking so badly it looked like I was about to have a seizure. I slept, they partied around me, every once in a while feeling a hand to my forehead, checking if I was still trembling, seeing if I could respond. I survived the night.
Drove back on Sunday in a blizzard. Yeah, the kind that dumped 2 feet by the side of the road, sent semi's on their sides off the highway, had cars piled on top of each other on the highway. The kind that makes it take 5 hours for an hour trip.
If I could, I'd go snowboarding every day this week. Can't, maybe one day, but not all 5. This weekend is Vail's last weekend too. Gonna hit that hard, from what I'm told. Can't wait.
No one in Boulder has the right to say this today.
Yes, there was a blizzard. Yes, it skimmed Boulder and dumped a few inches. Pfft. Pussies. Fucking hippy pussies.
The bus was late this morning. When I finally got on it, he was creeping along the road like he was plowing through 2 feet of snow.
The grass is still peeking through this snow here.
So I leaned up and kinda whispered to the driver.....
"you do know that's water on the road, right?"
I don't think he did. Cause RTD reserves the right to not adhere to any kind of schedule if the roads are bad. Only now, whenever it rains too hard, the drivers kick back and figure they can take their time.
Well fuck you. I have a job to get to, and there's nothing on the road at all. So drive, motherfucker.
I had a kick ass weekend, aside from the stupidity of bus drivers this morning.
We hit Breck on Saturday morning. Yeah, I only did 3 runs, but it's one better than last time. And I took a blue. Yay, go me, damnit. I'm so stoked. Bummed that the season is over like this weekend coming up, but stoked that I'm getting a lot better really fast.
We partied in Vail after Breck was done. Supposed to be some free concert, but the "blizzard" started that night so I think it was called off. Some dj was on stage mixing, it was cool, but not really worth standing out in the fucking cold like that for.
Standing there, that's when something large and round, I swear, hit me.
My knees decided that no, they'd done enough on the mountain today, they didn't feel the obligation to do any more.
My stomach chimed in, saying the altitude was fucking with it already and if the knees were going, then it was going to convulse too. Fuck me.
Someone in the ground below me took a deep fucking breath and sucked every last ounce of strength out of me, standing there in the cold.
Thank god for the bumper of that Escalade. I sat down hard. My ass reminded me I'd fallen on it earlier, but not quite as persistently as my head swimming in some imaginary bubble of water.
The boys looked around for me, as they were kinda wanting to go, and all just stood there for a second, staring at me.
"Dude. You're pale. Like more than normal." Insisting I was fine didn't work. I collapsed on the way to the car, but they didn't let me hit the ground. I was taken back to Mason's place, fed water and wrapped up in a blanket, as I was shaking so badly it looked like I was about to have a seizure. I slept, they partied around me, every once in a while feeling a hand to my forehead, checking if I was still trembling, seeing if I could respond. I survived the night.
Drove back on Sunday in a blizzard. Yeah, the kind that dumped 2 feet by the side of the road, sent semi's on their sides off the highway, had cars piled on top of each other on the highway. The kind that makes it take 5 hours for an hour trip.
If I could, I'd go snowboarding every day this week. Can't, maybe one day, but not all 5. This weekend is Vail's last weekend too. Gonna hit that hard, from what I'm told. Can't wait.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Blink. Blink.
I'm existing in my own little bubble of water today.
Everything around me is distorted just a little. Too far away. Liquid.
All my limbs are moving a lot slower than I think they should be.
My brain...honestly I don't think it's there. I think it drowned sometime yesterday.
I'm even blinking slowly.
God. I'm blonde today. I can't code, my mind is mush. The simplest code sends me into some coma-state where I sit here for the next 10 minutes. Drooling only slightly. I'm exhausted, even though I slept really well last night. Least, I think I slept well.
People say it's the weather. There's weather rolling into Boulder this weekend. Snow on Sunday morning, they say.
Ah ha.
Snowboarding sunday. And they think it's the barometer. It's my brain going over and over snowboarding stuff, that's all. It's occupied, that's all.
Let me tell you about my last run.
It was awesome. I went on the chair lift. I got laughed at cause i fell off it both times I took it up, but at least I didn't stop the lift. That whole one foot balance thing just throws me.
So I get on top of the mountain. Yeah, this is a flashback to Keystone and how it handed me my ass last time.
Ah ha, but I've been working on stance, and balance. Mountain won't kick my ass this time. Noo siree.
I only did 2 runs, granted. But I got some speed on me. Was riding switch most of the second run down, working on getting onto my heel edge from switch. Cause I sucked at that last time I tried it. Not bad. I fell twice that hurt me. The guys were actually really proud of me that when I'd fall from balance or stopping, I'd get right back up. No sitting in the snow for this girl.
And there was powder. There was a good foot of powder. My first powder day.
I love powder. I love it like I've loved nothing else. I floated down that mountain. I was one with the snow.
I carved more than once, hard, and didn't fall. Caught myself, fixed my stance, got my balance back. I followed closer than they thought I would, passing them even once. Ok they were standing still, that's not what's important here. They say my form is really good. My reaction time on the board is getting better, I'm starting to feel out the edges so when I nearly catch one, I compensate to avoid it. I done good.
I did fall, twice, hard.
The first time, I was compensating for catching my toe edge, and instead caught my heel. They said they could hear the "thump" of my ass hitting the snow from 30 feet away. They all winced collectively. I sat there in the snow a good 5 minutes only because it felt so damn good on an ass that hurt so goddamn much. My spine trembled the rest of the day from that.
The second time was spectacular. The boys didn't see it, sadly. I was comin down hard, faster than I should have been, and I nearly caught my toe edge. Instead, I carved over on it. But I think I leaned back too fast, and lost my balance. Hitting the snow didn't entirely hurt.
Oh look, there's the sky. Pretty snowflakes hitting my lips.
Oh look, there's my snowboard.
Coming up over my head.
Just once, rolled backwards. I felt the board hit the ground and wanted to stand up to recover, really I did. But I think I landed lopsided, too much weight on one foot, as always. The board twisted and did a cartwheel kind of move on me. My body followed, like a good girl. But I twisted both my knees, my right one in particular, so badly I sat in the snow with my head down gasping for air.
My knees are pissing me off.
So I made it down the mountain alright, rested a few times but I was ok to finish the run. Iced my knee and I was done like dinner boy. Still hurts, but at least I didn't blow it out or anything. Just pissed the muscles off.
And like the stubborn girl I am, I'll be doing it again this weekend. Especially if it snows again.
Yesterday, I went hiking. No trails for this girl either, we're talking no trails, scaling rock walls to get to a ridge on the mountain where there's thigh high snow waiting for you. Nearly 4 hours of that.
My legs are no longer speaking to me, routinely today threatening to give out altogether on me. So sshh on the snowboarding this weekend or they'll freak out and my ass won't be able to get up.
And even though I ache, nothing really hurts to the point where I can't move it. I believe that I won't ache tomorrow, and because I believe it, it'll likely be true. And once I stop aching so much, I know I'll feel stronger than I've been in years.
Cause I already am. If I could just lift my arms.
Everything around me is distorted just a little. Too far away. Liquid.
All my limbs are moving a lot slower than I think they should be.
My brain...honestly I don't think it's there. I think it drowned sometime yesterday.
I'm even blinking slowly.
God. I'm blonde today. I can't code, my mind is mush. The simplest code sends me into some coma-state where I sit here for the next 10 minutes. Drooling only slightly. I'm exhausted, even though I slept really well last night. Least, I think I slept well.
People say it's the weather. There's weather rolling into Boulder this weekend. Snow on Sunday morning, they say.
Ah ha.
Snowboarding sunday. And they think it's the barometer. It's my brain going over and over snowboarding stuff, that's all. It's occupied, that's all.
Let me tell you about my last run.
It was awesome. I went on the chair lift. I got laughed at cause i fell off it both times I took it up, but at least I didn't stop the lift. That whole one foot balance thing just throws me.
So I get on top of the mountain. Yeah, this is a flashback to Keystone and how it handed me my ass last time.
Ah ha, but I've been working on stance, and balance. Mountain won't kick my ass this time. Noo siree.
I only did 2 runs, granted. But I got some speed on me. Was riding switch most of the second run down, working on getting onto my heel edge from switch. Cause I sucked at that last time I tried it. Not bad. I fell twice that hurt me. The guys were actually really proud of me that when I'd fall from balance or stopping, I'd get right back up. No sitting in the snow for this girl.
And there was powder. There was a good foot of powder. My first powder day.
I love powder. I love it like I've loved nothing else. I floated down that mountain. I was one with the snow.
I carved more than once, hard, and didn't fall. Caught myself, fixed my stance, got my balance back. I followed closer than they thought I would, passing them even once. Ok they were standing still, that's not what's important here. They say my form is really good. My reaction time on the board is getting better, I'm starting to feel out the edges so when I nearly catch one, I compensate to avoid it. I done good.
I did fall, twice, hard.
The first time, I was compensating for catching my toe edge, and instead caught my heel. They said they could hear the "thump" of my ass hitting the snow from 30 feet away. They all winced collectively. I sat there in the snow a good 5 minutes only because it felt so damn good on an ass that hurt so goddamn much. My spine trembled the rest of the day from that.
The second time was spectacular. The boys didn't see it, sadly. I was comin down hard, faster than I should have been, and I nearly caught my toe edge. Instead, I carved over on it. But I think I leaned back too fast, and lost my balance. Hitting the snow didn't entirely hurt.
Oh look, there's the sky. Pretty snowflakes hitting my lips.
Oh look, there's my snowboard.
Coming up over my head.
Just once, rolled backwards. I felt the board hit the ground and wanted to stand up to recover, really I did. But I think I landed lopsided, too much weight on one foot, as always. The board twisted and did a cartwheel kind of move on me. My body followed, like a good girl. But I twisted both my knees, my right one in particular, so badly I sat in the snow with my head down gasping for air.
My knees are pissing me off.
So I made it down the mountain alright, rested a few times but I was ok to finish the run. Iced my knee and I was done like dinner boy. Still hurts, but at least I didn't blow it out or anything. Just pissed the muscles off.
And like the stubborn girl I am, I'll be doing it again this weekend. Especially if it snows again.
Yesterday, I went hiking. No trails for this girl either, we're talking no trails, scaling rock walls to get to a ridge on the mountain where there's thigh high snow waiting for you. Nearly 4 hours of that.
My legs are no longer speaking to me, routinely today threatening to give out altogether on me. So sshh on the snowboarding this weekend or they'll freak out and my ass won't be able to get up.
And even though I ache, nothing really hurts to the point where I can't move it. I believe that I won't ache tomorrow, and because I believe it, it'll likely be true. And once I stop aching so much, I know I'll feel stronger than I've been in years.
Cause I already am. If I could just lift my arms.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
March Lion
In like a lamb, out like a lion, right?
Well rawr damnit.
This lion's dumped so much snow up in the mountains, they might extend the season. That would so rock. I can't wait to get up there again. I want to get at least SOME feel for that board before summer hits and it's skateboarding only. Last weekend skateboarding I managed to carve back and forth...same principle on a snowboard, just well, on snow. With my feet attached. I so wanna go try that out on a hill.
A little hill.
With a non-threatening kind of slope.
One that doesn't scream "I will SO kick your ass woman".
Cause I wanna get good enough to actually take a goddamn lift this season. Wimp that I am after Keystone kicked my ass proper.
I think we're going up this weekend. They wanna show me around Vail more. Hit Breck. Hit Keystone cause night snowboarding ends after this weekend and we can't have that. I can't wait.
Still haven't taken that bike out, cause um it's still too goddamn cold out. My bus pass expires tomorrow though. I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and not get a new one, forcing me to ride that bike in no matter how cold it is, or buy one for just one more month. Maybe I'll just get enough cash to do the bus every day to and from work, then ride everywhere else. Cause there's only 21 work days in april, and the pass is barely gonna make that worthwhile.
So I showed Astral how to skateboard. Lil bastard was immediately good at it. After I spent a month working on balance. The guy is good at it the first day. Not sure if that speaks for my teaching ability or what. I know, I know, he snowboards, his balance is good. Still. Pfft.
You know, I'd talk some about the whole trip to INS too, but I just haven't had that much caffiene this morning yet, and I woke up in a pretty damn good mood. Let's not ruin that, shall we.
Well rawr damnit.
This lion's dumped so much snow up in the mountains, they might extend the season. That would so rock. I can't wait to get up there again. I want to get at least SOME feel for that board before summer hits and it's skateboarding only. Last weekend skateboarding I managed to carve back and forth...same principle on a snowboard, just well, on snow. With my feet attached. I so wanna go try that out on a hill.
A little hill.
With a non-threatening kind of slope.
One that doesn't scream "I will SO kick your ass woman".
Cause I wanna get good enough to actually take a goddamn lift this season. Wimp that I am after Keystone kicked my ass proper.
I think we're going up this weekend. They wanna show me around Vail more. Hit Breck. Hit Keystone cause night snowboarding ends after this weekend and we can't have that. I can't wait.
Still haven't taken that bike out, cause um it's still too goddamn cold out. My bus pass expires tomorrow though. I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and not get a new one, forcing me to ride that bike in no matter how cold it is, or buy one for just one more month. Maybe I'll just get enough cash to do the bus every day to and from work, then ride everywhere else. Cause there's only 21 work days in april, and the pass is barely gonna make that worthwhile.
So I showed Astral how to skateboard. Lil bastard was immediately good at it. After I spent a month working on balance. The guy is good at it the first day. Not sure if that speaks for my teaching ability or what. I know, I know, he snowboards, his balance is good. Still. Pfft.
You know, I'd talk some about the whole trip to INS too, but I just haven't had that much caffiene this morning yet, and I woke up in a pretty damn good mood. Let's not ruin that, shall we.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Later that day
It's 2:30, and all my work for the day is done. Which leaves me sitting here for the next 3 hours, because damned if I'm gonna go home and forfeit that cash, when I give work more than they pay for anyway.
So I'm here.
I took up skateboarding recently. Recently being about 2 months ago. Boulder weather rocks, so I could. Of course today, it's freezing and there's snow on the ground. Call me weak but oh hell no I'm not skateboarding in 20 degree weather.
It was kinda one of those always-wanted-to-do-never-got-to things. Well, I did it when I was 14, but not well and not for long. I was roller skating well at 14 and I felt that was enough. The skateboarders back then were mean anyway. And I was busy trying to assimilate to be accepted, after an entire childhood of being told to fit in.
So I bought a half decent board, dicked around on it for a week or so. Worked on balance in my living room and found out I had the wrong balance. I ended up meeting some people one night in Boulder by fluke, or fate, or whatever. A group of skateboarder/snowboarders. Two of which have gone pro in skateboarding. So these are my teachers. They taught me where my balance should be over the board. Where my feet should be.
And I was hooked. The first time I went out in a parking lot, stomach turning feeling sick from nervousness, shaking, and got my ass on that board, I was totally hooked.
I did it for 4 hours the first time out. I sucked, mind you, and I couldn't push off at all without losing my balance. So I chose a little slope and worked on staying on the board. I fidgeted with my feet. I nearly killed myself, but I didn't hit the ground. I worked on convincing myself I could just step off the board whenever I wanted. No reason to fear.
Every day after that, I was out there. Venturing out onto the sidewalk...most of which are shit, by the way...practicing pushing off. That took me a good 4 weeks to get, and even now I kinda struggle with it.
The boys, they showed me how to tic tac. Move the front of the skateboard from side to side while still or moving. I practiced. My balance was still off. My weight was going to the back, and I was popping the board out from beneath me. Did that on a hill one day. Opened up my elbow, bruised my body all along the right side.
By this time, I couldn't wear a dress to work anymore. My calves were covered in dark, angry looking bruises. So were my knees, my thighs, my hips, my arms; not my hands though. Those were just scuffed up. I musta looked like a prize fighter.
And I couldn't get enough.
I can't get enough.
It's killing me that it's cold out today and I have time to kill. I'd love to be snowboarding today too, but that requires a car and I don't have that. The boys are prolly up there already. Bastards.
The day I got my balance, I felt like I'd just drank an entire bottle of tequila. No, not sick and puking. Think good tequila, $100/bottle tequila. The kind that gives you a wicked body buzz and makes you high. That kind.
Suddenly, finding the sweet spot on the board, I could do the stuff I'd be practicing and failing at. I could tic tac. Not at high speed, but I could do it. I could pedal better, knowing where to keep my toes on the board.
And the adrenaline washed through me like a hit of heroine.
I'm now an adrenaline junkie.
My stomach gets jumpy and quivering right before I get out on the board. Not out of fear, or nervousness. Out of the anticipation of that rush.
10 minutes out and I'm flyin. No drug, and I've tried a lot of them, no alcohol (with maybe the exception of absinthe, dunno haven't tried that yet) can touch this.
The people who jump out of airplanes (intentionally), the people who get dropped at the top of an inaccessable mountain to board all the way down snow no man has ever touched, the people who thrill-seek....
I get it now.
Skateboarding gave me that bug.
Snowboarding is next. Once I stop falling and stop being afraid of what kind of speed I can get hurling myself down a mountainside in the rockies.
So I'm here.
I took up skateboarding recently. Recently being about 2 months ago. Boulder weather rocks, so I could. Of course today, it's freezing and there's snow on the ground. Call me weak but oh hell no I'm not skateboarding in 20 degree weather.
It was kinda one of those always-wanted-to-do-never-got-to things. Well, I did it when I was 14, but not well and not for long. I was roller skating well at 14 and I felt that was enough. The skateboarders back then were mean anyway. And I was busy trying to assimilate to be accepted, after an entire childhood of being told to fit in.
So I bought a half decent board, dicked around on it for a week or so. Worked on balance in my living room and found out I had the wrong balance. I ended up meeting some people one night in Boulder by fluke, or fate, or whatever. A group of skateboarder/snowboarders. Two of which have gone pro in skateboarding. So these are my teachers. They taught me where my balance should be over the board. Where my feet should be.
And I was hooked. The first time I went out in a parking lot, stomach turning feeling sick from nervousness, shaking, and got my ass on that board, I was totally hooked.
I did it for 4 hours the first time out. I sucked, mind you, and I couldn't push off at all without losing my balance. So I chose a little slope and worked on staying on the board. I fidgeted with my feet. I nearly killed myself, but I didn't hit the ground. I worked on convincing myself I could just step off the board whenever I wanted. No reason to fear.
Every day after that, I was out there. Venturing out onto the sidewalk...most of which are shit, by the way...practicing pushing off. That took me a good 4 weeks to get, and even now I kinda struggle with it.
The boys, they showed me how to tic tac. Move the front of the skateboard from side to side while still or moving. I practiced. My balance was still off. My weight was going to the back, and I was popping the board out from beneath me. Did that on a hill one day. Opened up my elbow, bruised my body all along the right side.
By this time, I couldn't wear a dress to work anymore. My calves were covered in dark, angry looking bruises. So were my knees, my thighs, my hips, my arms; not my hands though. Those were just scuffed up. I musta looked like a prize fighter.
And I couldn't get enough.
I can't get enough.
It's killing me that it's cold out today and I have time to kill. I'd love to be snowboarding today too, but that requires a car and I don't have that. The boys are prolly up there already. Bastards.
The day I got my balance, I felt like I'd just drank an entire bottle of tequila. No, not sick and puking. Think good tequila, $100/bottle tequila. The kind that gives you a wicked body buzz and makes you high. That kind.
Suddenly, finding the sweet spot on the board, I could do the stuff I'd be practicing and failing at. I could tic tac. Not at high speed, but I could do it. I could pedal better, knowing where to keep my toes on the board.
And the adrenaline washed through me like a hit of heroine.
I'm now an adrenaline junkie.
My stomach gets jumpy and quivering right before I get out on the board. Not out of fear, or nervousness. Out of the anticipation of that rush.
10 minutes out and I'm flyin. No drug, and I've tried a lot of them, no alcohol (with maybe the exception of absinthe, dunno haven't tried that yet) can touch this.
The people who jump out of airplanes (intentionally), the people who get dropped at the top of an inaccessable mountain to board all the way down snow no man has ever touched, the people who thrill-seek....
I get it now.
Skateboarding gave me that bug.
Snowboarding is next. Once I stop falling and stop being afraid of what kind of speed I can get hurling myself down a mountainside in the rockies.
Stupid People
Yes, I know, everyone hates stupid people.
I really dislike them. I also dislike people who would take advantage of stupid people, so that when my happy ass comes along and points out...um, you've been taken for a ride big time you know that...I look like some kind of rat.
Generally speaking, people are pretty ignorant about websites. They have little clue what kind of work goes into one. The code behind it. The design. Actually I think they don't *care* but hey. Doesn't matter.
I develop websites. I come up with the design, make the graphics, do the behind the scenes coding so it works how and where it's supposed to work. My stuff is cross-platform, cross-browswer compatible, which, when I say that, usually makes people's eyes roll back in their heads. It would horrify them what I sit and do all day.
Now, when I take over an existing website, generally the code is horrible so I toss it. Actually all the code is always horrible. Because someone's sister's cousin did the site in frontpage 3 years ago. It's a nightmare. I can rebuild it though. Make it better. Faster. Stronger. I can drag these sites into the 21st century kicking and screaming.
A server, if you don't know, often comes with the decrepid website. Oh now here's some fun boy. People telling me they're paying $20 a month for 250mg of space and 5 gigs of transfer. No frills. No PHP, no CGI, nothing.
Hell. Free sites come with that.
So I get to say um, yeah, your site is gonna be too big to fit in 250 mgs of space (400+ page graphics intensive website as well as login script), so you need more. And oh by the way, someone's been fucking you up the ass for the past 2 years...that hurt? Did they at least use lube? Give you a blow job every month? Something? Cause damn, I'm a woman and even I wouldn't want to be fucked THAT hard.
Now I get to deal with the people who run the site. The admins. Fun fun. The people pulling out their respective cocks to fuck the people I now work for. I'm never sure if I should smack them or congratulate them. But now I have to deal with them and say yeah, I want at least 10 gigs of space and 200 gigs of bandwidth, just to be safe. I want cgi capability, I want ColdFusion on it, I want PHP, I want database and email capability jesus CHRIST man where's your decency. And I want all this for under $10 a month. Cause I can get it for about $5 online with another host. Just giving you the courtesy because these people who are my bosses seem to like you.
Maybe they've just been fucking the bosses so long, the bosses have come to like it.
Maybe stupid people should be dragged out into the street and shot.
Then who would I work for.
I really dislike them. I also dislike people who would take advantage of stupid people, so that when my happy ass comes along and points out...um, you've been taken for a ride big time you know that...I look like some kind of rat.
Generally speaking, people are pretty ignorant about websites. They have little clue what kind of work goes into one. The code behind it. The design. Actually I think they don't *care* but hey. Doesn't matter.
I develop websites. I come up with the design, make the graphics, do the behind the scenes coding so it works how and where it's supposed to work. My stuff is cross-platform, cross-browswer compatible, which, when I say that, usually makes people's eyes roll back in their heads. It would horrify them what I sit and do all day.
Now, when I take over an existing website, generally the code is horrible so I toss it. Actually all the code is always horrible. Because someone's sister's cousin did the site in frontpage 3 years ago. It's a nightmare. I can rebuild it though. Make it better. Faster. Stronger. I can drag these sites into the 21st century kicking and screaming.
A server, if you don't know, often comes with the decrepid website. Oh now here's some fun boy. People telling me they're paying $20 a month for 250mg of space and 5 gigs of transfer. No frills. No PHP, no CGI, nothing.
Hell. Free sites come with that.
So I get to say um, yeah, your site is gonna be too big to fit in 250 mgs of space (400+ page graphics intensive website as well as login script), so you need more. And oh by the way, someone's been fucking you up the ass for the past 2 years...that hurt? Did they at least use lube? Give you a blow job every month? Something? Cause damn, I'm a woman and even I wouldn't want to be fucked THAT hard.
Now I get to deal with the people who run the site. The admins. Fun fun. The people pulling out their respective cocks to fuck the people I now work for. I'm never sure if I should smack them or congratulate them. But now I have to deal with them and say yeah, I want at least 10 gigs of space and 200 gigs of bandwidth, just to be safe. I want cgi capability, I want ColdFusion on it, I want PHP, I want database and email capability jesus CHRIST man where's your decency. And I want all this for under $10 a month. Cause I can get it for about $5 online with another host. Just giving you the courtesy because these people who are my bosses seem to like you.
Maybe they've just been fucking the bosses so long, the bosses have come to like it.
Maybe stupid people should be dragged out into the street and shot.
Then who would I work for.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Slide
I have no clue how to start this. Even need to go find the theory on the way of the warrior, because I really don't wanna quote it wrong. I'm online, I could go right now and find it. Slap it up there and look like I really do have it all together.
I'm sliding.
Sliding is like one step above laziness. Because in the end, I don't want to go find this theory and quote it, especially if it makes me trendy or clever. I know what it means. Does it matter if a mass of faceless people know? No. Not to me. The people I hang out with, they know what it means. Cause they do it all the time.
Though I do feel like I gotta explain that now. I'm not some bum who sits on her ass all the time, too lazy to get up and do anything, or care how she looks. I work hard while I'm at work. I play hard when I'm not. I spend a lot of time up in the mountains outside of Boulder, hiking, snowboarding...ok mostly falling when I'm snowboarding still. I'm learning how to skateboard. I'm trying to re-learn french and teach it to a few friends so we can talk about the trendy ski people when they're being assholes. In fact I'm so active, that I'm shedding body fat like a winter coat. A few years playing mmorpgs put like 30 pounds on me that I didn't ask for. Now I'm getting rid of it.
So sliding isn't traditional laziness. I just don't care. I don't want to be socially acceptable, beyond being able to keep a job. I don't have a career. I don't have goals or ambitions for greatness in the corporate world. I don't care to climb your corporate ladder. I'd much rather watch as it falls, take my skateboard and go on my way. I design websites, but I do that cause it's fun. Not because it ever made me a lot of money. Actually made me kinda an outcast in Binghamton, NY, where there were only 3 other people designing sites, all of which were guys. Not a lot of women do it here either. Maybe computers scare the pretty rich girls. Who knows.
So I took up skateboarding this winter. It was a nice winter in Boulder, I could. Whenever it's sunny and above 40, I'm out there for hours, trying not to die on this lil piece of wood. It's a total rush, I love it. I love it so much that I get bummed when it gets dark. Or snows. I'd say rain, but we're in Boulder now boys and girls. Doesn't really do a lot of raining here. When it's nice, I travel everywhere with that lil board because there just might be a sweet spot of pavement for me to go practice on, wherever I'm going. And I'll drop everything to skate around for a few hours, perfecting balance, getting ticking down at a speed, finding the sweet spot on the board with my toes...just to be on it. The world can fuck off, I have skating to do.
Since I've been carrying this board around with me, I find people behaving differently. Which is awesome. I dress up for work, dresses, skirts, heels, jackets, so I deceptively look like I belong to the adult world. Teachers, other business people will smile at me and even say good morning. Everyone's nice, warm.
When I bring the board, I'll wear my boarding clothes and bring my formal stuff to work, change there. Well. Things are different then, boy. The same teachers and business people refuse to look me in the eye. They scowl when I flip the board up to get on the bus. Suck at their teeth when I ride up to the stoplight. I get nods and little greetings from other skateboarders especially. The atmostphere changes.
I like it.
I don't ever want to be mainstream. I don't want to be like anyone else. I'm already not like any woman I've ever known; not like any woman any man I've met, has known either. That's great. Women are chronically insane, I don't wanna be like that. I don't spend more than 20 minutes getting ready for any occasion. I paint my nails cause I like the raspberry color, but it never lasts more than a day before I'm chipping it skateboarding or snowboarding or something. Ok I dye my hair. That's my girly thing. I hate shopping, especially when I don't have any money or I'm not dead sure what I want. I have like 4 pairs of shoes. And that's only cause I needed hiking shoes and flip flops, living here. My closet isn't even entirely full; I don't collect clothes. I don't collect anything fluffy...if you look in my one room apt, there's nothing ornamental in it. Waste of space, that shit is, just more stuff to dust.
Money doesn't entirely matter outside of paying rent and bills, either. Yeah I wouldn't mind winning the lottery but I don't play. I don't wanna be ms. corporate and have all this money and all the stress that goes along with it. I wouldn't mind striking it rich at something...like a one hit wonder kind of thing. Something where I don't have the pressure to keep it up all the time. Bam, be brilliant, rake it in, sink back into the shadows and live to be happy. A book would do that. Working on that, off and on. Website design won't do that. Not doing it alone, anyway.
The people I hang with, most of them travel along the same wavelength as this. Work is not your life, it's just something you do for money. May as well get a job you like, as long as it pays the bills who cares if it's going anywhere. Going anywhere...it's going in the bank, that's it. What I do outside of work is so much more important. That's where life is. On the deck of a skateboard. On the side of a mountain. On that trail you leave and hike for hours into the wilderness. In the moment you do something you fear doing and find out you can't stop doing it.
It's taken me most of my life to find people who think the same way I do. I'm grateful every day I get to spend around them. I get to really be me around them, no filter, nothin. And they dig me, they keep calling me to go hang out. Helps immensely to shed a restrictive past and finally come into my own, finally be me.
I'm sliding.
Sliding is like one step above laziness. Because in the end, I don't want to go find this theory and quote it, especially if it makes me trendy or clever. I know what it means. Does it matter if a mass of faceless people know? No. Not to me. The people I hang out with, they know what it means. Cause they do it all the time.
Though I do feel like I gotta explain that now. I'm not some bum who sits on her ass all the time, too lazy to get up and do anything, or care how she looks. I work hard while I'm at work. I play hard when I'm not. I spend a lot of time up in the mountains outside of Boulder, hiking, snowboarding...ok mostly falling when I'm snowboarding still. I'm learning how to skateboard. I'm trying to re-learn french and teach it to a few friends so we can talk about the trendy ski people when they're being assholes. In fact I'm so active, that I'm shedding body fat like a winter coat. A few years playing mmorpgs put like 30 pounds on me that I didn't ask for. Now I'm getting rid of it.
So sliding isn't traditional laziness. I just don't care. I don't want to be socially acceptable, beyond being able to keep a job. I don't have a career. I don't have goals or ambitions for greatness in the corporate world. I don't care to climb your corporate ladder. I'd much rather watch as it falls, take my skateboard and go on my way. I design websites, but I do that cause it's fun. Not because it ever made me a lot of money. Actually made me kinda an outcast in Binghamton, NY, where there were only 3 other people designing sites, all of which were guys. Not a lot of women do it here either. Maybe computers scare the pretty rich girls. Who knows.
So I took up skateboarding this winter. It was a nice winter in Boulder, I could. Whenever it's sunny and above 40, I'm out there for hours, trying not to die on this lil piece of wood. It's a total rush, I love it. I love it so much that I get bummed when it gets dark. Or snows. I'd say rain, but we're in Boulder now boys and girls. Doesn't really do a lot of raining here. When it's nice, I travel everywhere with that lil board because there just might be a sweet spot of pavement for me to go practice on, wherever I'm going. And I'll drop everything to skate around for a few hours, perfecting balance, getting ticking down at a speed, finding the sweet spot on the board with my toes...just to be on it. The world can fuck off, I have skating to do.
Since I've been carrying this board around with me, I find people behaving differently. Which is awesome. I dress up for work, dresses, skirts, heels, jackets, so I deceptively look like I belong to the adult world. Teachers, other business people will smile at me and even say good morning. Everyone's nice, warm.
When I bring the board, I'll wear my boarding clothes and bring my formal stuff to work, change there. Well. Things are different then, boy. The same teachers and business people refuse to look me in the eye. They scowl when I flip the board up to get on the bus. Suck at their teeth when I ride up to the stoplight. I get nods and little greetings from other skateboarders especially. The atmostphere changes.
I like it.
I don't ever want to be mainstream. I don't want to be like anyone else. I'm already not like any woman I've ever known; not like any woman any man I've met, has known either. That's great. Women are chronically insane, I don't wanna be like that. I don't spend more than 20 minutes getting ready for any occasion. I paint my nails cause I like the raspberry color, but it never lasts more than a day before I'm chipping it skateboarding or snowboarding or something. Ok I dye my hair. That's my girly thing. I hate shopping, especially when I don't have any money or I'm not dead sure what I want. I have like 4 pairs of shoes. And that's only cause I needed hiking shoes and flip flops, living here. My closet isn't even entirely full; I don't collect clothes. I don't collect anything fluffy...if you look in my one room apt, there's nothing ornamental in it. Waste of space, that shit is, just more stuff to dust.
Money doesn't entirely matter outside of paying rent and bills, either. Yeah I wouldn't mind winning the lottery but I don't play. I don't wanna be ms. corporate and have all this money and all the stress that goes along with it. I wouldn't mind striking it rich at something...like a one hit wonder kind of thing. Something where I don't have the pressure to keep it up all the time. Bam, be brilliant, rake it in, sink back into the shadows and live to be happy. A book would do that. Working on that, off and on. Website design won't do that. Not doing it alone, anyway.
The people I hang with, most of them travel along the same wavelength as this. Work is not your life, it's just something you do for money. May as well get a job you like, as long as it pays the bills who cares if it's going anywhere. Going anywhere...it's going in the bank, that's it. What I do outside of work is so much more important. That's where life is. On the deck of a skateboard. On the side of a mountain. On that trail you leave and hike for hours into the wilderness. In the moment you do something you fear doing and find out you can't stop doing it.
It's taken me most of my life to find people who think the same way I do. I'm grateful every day I get to spend around them. I get to really be me around them, no filter, nothin. And they dig me, they keep calling me to go hang out. Helps immensely to shed a restrictive past and finally come into my own, finally be me.
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