nearly christmas

I don't really care what date it is. Just that it's near that awful bloody holiday and soon, very soon, it won't be that awful bloody holiday.

Let's be clear here. For the record and all.
It's not that I don't believe in christmas, I know it exists.
It's not that I'm offended by it, or something symbolic. I don't care who the holiday belongs to, frankly. It's a completely commercial venture now anyway. Who died on what day is pretty much lost to the masses. Jesus who? Isn't that the guy that lives up the street?

christmas doesn't do it for me. I'd like it to. I want a family, I want the big dinner and people coming over and buying presents for people and relatives I barely knew I had. I've love that.
I had that. Once. A long time ago.
It's gone now. and this is why the season does nothing for me.

I don't have anyone to spend it with. I don't have the children I wanted more than anything. I don't have, and never will have, any extended famliy. My parents are gone. My brother, my first and best friend in the world, gone. 2 children, gone. Even my cat that I'd gotten on mother's day to ease the pain of losing 2 children, she's dead now. I had a husband, but he spent the holidays with his family. Who didn't know I existed. So I hid, and pretended that it was ok. It killed me. Completely. I was never more alone, than in those first few years.

Someone recently pointed out to me just *how* alone I am in the world. Thank you, asshole, fuck you too. I KNOW I'm alone, I really don't need you awestricken about how I can possibly handle my 9th year alone on christmas. Go fuck yourself. I certainly won't be spending it anywhere near you. I'd rather be alone than in the presence of such a dick.

I'm sure millions of people are just this alone. I know a few people who think they know, saying "i'm not spending it with my family this year." Dude you have no clue. I don't HAVE that option. I don't HAVE a family. No one. Utterly alone in this world. Which, technically, we all are. Most of you just have some kind of people who share your blood. I don't.

So forgive me if I don't share your familial enthusiasm.
It's not like i hate the season. I stapled those tacky lights from above my bed, onto the wall in the shape of an art deco christmas tree. I bought a trinket or two for my friends, something for myself so I'd have something to unwrap. I play christmas music, mostly the rat pack and sinatra, because I love how the old songs sound. All cozy and warm and gives me some sort of childhood throwback that makes me feel secure, even though I don't remember what it was.

Imagine that. Alone in the world, with no childhood memories. At all. Nevermind of christmas, just none. Most of my life is just a blank. The best christmas I had was with my daughter. Who, of course, is gone. One. Just, one. One really great christmas. in 35 years.

Forgive me if I sound bitter, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken every year. I try to ignore the season and do something nice for people I know and myself, and on christmas, which for me is on the 24th, I shut the door and turn off the phone, and pretend like it's not that day.

The day meant for families. Of which I have none. I've lost everyone I have ever loved. I know people say that, but I truly have. Everyone. Is gone.
And it just baffles me. Because I'm a great woman, who's learned how to love without condition, without restriction. I want a family, I'd love to stay home and raise a family. I'm gifted, talented, inspired, intelligent, patient, a smartass, funny, witty, mostly zen-like that I live in today and stress very little.....

So why. Why am I the one who's alone i the world?
Is this some cruel lesson from the fates? Who are NOT in my good graces lately, boy.
I can handle alone time, that's different than being alone.
Why is it I pick emotionally inept men? Why is it my family couldn't love me? I don't get it. I love me, damnit.
Why am I the only one?

They come and go, don't get me wrong. But they can't appreciate me while I'm with them, while I'm absolutely in love with them, and they fuck it up. I don't give second chances, it's a bad idea, it's never worked for me. It gets worse.
So then they come running back once they've fucked it up and lost me, babbling about how much they love me now, how much they want to be with me now. Now, when it's too late. Now, when I'm gone. All of them. I'd endlessly love just one man who could appreciate me while I'm there. Who knows, damnit I'm lucky that this woman wants to hang around me, I'm priveleged that she sees something in me and loves me to death. I'd better not fuck this up, she's too precious to lose. She's too wonderful to hurt.

Maybe one day. Maybe the fates are preparing me for it. Maybe they're just smoking crack up there and having some sort of orgy. Who knows.

So there. My christmas rant.
Just think. Your holiday can't possibly be worse than mine.