december 7.05

i wrote this email to a friend of mine, and giggled so much reading it, that i had to post it here.

Jenna:
this was my night last night. you'll adore this. you'll laugh. i did.

it's 11:45.
i'm laying in bed, odin stomping all over me, listening to them shovel snow outside.
i can't sleep. i'm thinking about finding out if i have this job tomorrow.
let's be honest, i'm not sleeping anytime soon.
ok, so what to do.
get yer ass up, woman. do something to wear yourself out.

put up christmas lights.

i think this was satan speaking to me. later, i knew it must have been.

ok, how hard can it be. half an hour, i'll string some lights....where.
ah ha. in the most difficult place possible.
i'll make a CANOPY over my bed with them. yeah. c'mon, i can do that. how hard can it be.
i get the christmas lights from on top of the bathroom.
ooh, lots of those icicle ones. perfect.
i go digging for the picture wire i have around somewhere. yes. found it.
and the industrial strength stapler. the big ass one. that you need to be able to bench 200 lbs just to use. that one.

ok ok, so let's position the wire where i want the lights. hang them from the ceiling.
again, satan speaking.
get the little stool out. stand on it. staple the first one into the beam. wrap the wire around itself.
ah ha. see, not hard. i'll be in bed by midnight with lots of pretty lights around me.

do the second one. and the third.
the fourth, that's the one over the bed in the corner.
so i put the stool ON THE BED.
it was an act of cirque du soliel that i didn't break my neck stapling that fucker to the ceiling.
one hand on the wall, wire in my teeth, stapler in my other hand which is also hanging onto the beam above me, one knee on the stool, one on the windowsill, christmas lights under my arm.
i wish i could have had a picture of that.
ok, great, i don't kill myself hanging the wire. woohoo, go me.
now i go around and start attaching the wire to the christmas lights.

it immediately dawns on me that this is not going to make a straight line.
i'm gonna have saggy christmas lights.
fuck it, i've come this far, done my lil circus balancing act, i'm gonna hang them damnit.
lots of struggling. more balancing, wrapping wire, making it relatively even.
ok, doesn't look horrible. let's plug it in.

...........................................what do they say about always testing the string of lights first?
they don't work.
i'm sitting on my bed, laughing by now. cause that's just funny.

i take them down. nicely at first, until the second wire gives me a hard time and i decide that ripping them out of the wall is a muchbetter idea.
ok that didn't take too long.
you'd think i'd quit by now.

i have more lights.

these, i test first. yup, they work.
ok, new plan. i can staple them to the wall and parts of the ceiling, using only one wire to make it hang down a little.
yes, that's a much better idea than the LAST one.
satan's on my couch by now, taking video for his friends back home.

so i attempt to staple them to the wall. i say attempt, because it's hard as hell to pull that trigger thing, and most of the time, i'm missing the wire entirely, impaling the wall and the ceiling with 4, 5 nstaples before actually hitting the wire.
i'm sweating now. and it's 1:00am.
let's just get the fuckers up, go to bed.

i put the last staple in, and plug it in.
works, that's good.

my bed now looks like some red light district whore's bed.
or something you'd see in a trailer.

this is THE tackiest thing i have EVER seen.
and i did it.
i stood there, laughing for another 15 minutes with satan. he thought it was great.
then i left them plugged in, laid down under lights bright enough to light up the WHOLE apartment, and giggled myself to sleep.

i.
hate.
christmas.


thought that story might make you smile this morning. make me laugh, even telling it.
you gotta see these lights, dude. they are SO SO tacky. i need a new word, tacky isn't strong enough. :)

--
Fay-Lisa
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein