November 11. 05

I've been without net connection for a while. So this time, I have an excuse for not writing here.
Ha. Take that, procrastination.

Since I last wrote...let's see.
I got a design job, which I am utterly stoked about. It's contract, but found out Friday they're extending the contract an additional 2 weeks from the cut off date. And letting me interview for the permanent position. Let's hope that goes well.

Stories have been brewing in my head. I want to just write already, but I know better than to force it. Every time I've forced it, it ends up stalling and I walk away. I wrote a lil short story the other day. It was no Poe, but it's a start.

I've been really not myself lately. This week especially, and it kinda baffled me as to why. I have my dream job. I'm making enough that I can actually start to pay off the 2 months rent I owe, enough that I went and stocked up on food today. My cupboards have been bare for 3 weeks. That's disturbing.

But I find myself, listening to my little mp3 player on the way home from work, watching the night go by on the bus, and suddenly I'm hit with this profound sadness. And I cry. In public, no less. It's everything I can do to hold back the tears. And this happens a few times during the 45 minute ride home. I hear a song at home, while I'm cleaning or something, I hear a song in my friend's car, and I fall into this dark melancholy that draws tears. Weird. It feels hormonal, I suppose. Maybe my thyroid's just off again.

I did have a few epiphanies during this last week though. The kind that make you sit up and think "well fuck me,".
I miss being a mother desperately. Maybe that's hallowe'en's influence, as I left my children on hallowe'en. Well, technically I left my country on hallowe'en, but I left them there. I think that's eating away at me. More than I know.
I think a lot of my self-worth is, sadly caught up in this job. This week I've been detatching from that notion and especially this weekend I need to regain my focus. What I do for money has never been who I am. I think because I love designing so much, and I finally scored a job where I get paid to do it, that gets all entangled with who I think I am.

I do have a negative influence hanging around. That little cloud of dimness that stresses about money too much, has focus in the wrong place, and puts worth where there should not be. For example, when we were talking about skateboarding one night, because I was being told how I do nothing and I protested with the fact that I skateboard every day it's over 40 here...I hear the words "well you don't skate at the skatepark. until you do that, you're not really skateboarding". No, apparently ladies and gents, skateboarding 2+ miles to and from work don't count. Skating to the other end of boulder and back...nope. Doesn't count. It was an echo of my husband, sadly. I heard that condescending echo and ooo did it make me angry. No one does that to me anymore. I don't allow it.

So taking time away from the world for 3 days, it's a good thing. I need some peace, and it's not residing anywhere outside of my own skin. I need to sit still long enough to breathe it. Doesn't help that the apartment is a mess, cause you *know* that means as a woman, I have the compulsion to clean it before doing any "me" work. And then the cooking. And the dishes. There's always something. Today, I cleaned my apt entirely. So the next 2 days, I have no excuse at all.

Been on a Sinatra kick today. God but I love listening to Sinatra and the Rat Pack. It's comforting, and I have to wonder if I listened to this as a small child. "My Way" of course makes me cry today, but not always. Always emotional, just not over the top like this. Listening to that makes me realize that I need my bliss back. I've misplaced it recently. Maybe it's behind the couch...you know that means I have to move that thing so I can look for it....then the dust bunnies....and the vaccuum....

Maybe I'll just sit still and call for it a while. See if it answers. A bath sounds nice too. Aromatherapy and all that jazz. I don't believe entirely that it works, it just smells nice and I'm having a girl moment. I want to be all pink and smelling nice today. See, something's wrong with me. I never have girl moments.