you do realize that i never know what date it actually is.
i have to look it up. thank god i work, i'd never have a reason to find out.
this morning, driving to work, i made a mental note.
not usually something that stays that early in the morning. kind of like those sticky notes that lose the stick on the back. just floats off.
but i woke up early this morning. i got my hair chopped yesterday, and a girl's gotta give herself a few extra minutes when she has no clue now how to do her hair.
so i actually had coffee this morning. with whipped cream in it.
the whipped cream seemed important. i even brought it to work. 'cause they have the best hot chocolate here and it deserves whipped cream.
so anyway. the mental note.
there's a dip in the road, on the way to work. a little valley sort of thing. not terribly low, but low enough that, on most morning, there are clouds in it.
i drive through the clouds on the way to work.
this struck me as somehow profound today.
i do it sometimes at night too, the clouds settle that late at night.
but at dawn, driving through pink, yellow or orange tinted clouds, is just heavenly.
it gave me peace this morning. that zen feeling that all is right with my world.
that my world is a beautiful place. that everything will be ok.
because, after all, i drive through clouds on my way to work.
i've never lived anywhere so absolutely beautiful, or so consistently stunning, in my life.
i love it here.
actually, going back to "civilization" now irritates me. boulder drives me nuts, i hate going there. i even dislike coming into vail, it's too busy.
how easily one reverts to life in an exceedingly small town.
things are at half pace. life is slowed down there.
work is just work, play and life is what matters.
they say that here in vail, but i don't think they mean it. i think in the winter they do. cause they all go skiing and snowboarding. in the summer, oooh then it's all about where your life is going, and what career you have.
i've missed this euphoric feeling, of loving so much where i live.
i loved binghamton, for a long time. the mountains gave me inspiration, gave me peace and comfort and i found what i believed there. when slush starting falling consistently from the sky, it was time to go, but i still did really love it there. i wrote 2 books there. i wrote page on page of poetry there. i was creative there.
here, god the mountains here make those look like small bumps in the road. i live nestled in a string of 14-footers (local, means mountains that are 14,000 feet or more). i wake up to this every morning. seeing snow capped mountains surround the town i live in.
i drive over the continental divide every day.
and i drive through the clouds.
i am happier, more at peace, than i have been in years.
there are things i'm missing still, but they're coming.
maybe they were just waiting til i got to where i am, to show up and say "hey, took you long enough."
Friday, July 28, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
july 22.06
for the first time in years, i wrote poetry tonight.
i don't even know where it came from. it just did.
i haven't written a damn poetic thing since 98. since the squelching began.
and it's not poe, of course not. but it's mine.
i wanted to write a short story of the night i was brutally raped, when i was 18 years old.
because i know people are sick and we like stories like that. we like the violence and the force, even if it's in the darkest parts of ourselves and we won't outwardly admit it.
this is why the enquirer is still making money, people. cause we just can't stop wanting the grit.
it came out as poetry, this rape.
ironic, i suppose. that something so violent could be put to prose, something so degrading could be swept into a beautiful little rhyme.
so i'll put it here, cause well it's the first poetry i've written in years, and i will not shove it away into a closet as i did before.
it deserves the light of day.
When I was young.
When I was young and full of spite,
I hitch-hiked north of home one night.
The moon told me, a good idea,
Just stick your thumb out, there's a dear.
The van slowed down and opened door,
I met a man not known before.
He said "i'll take yah far an' wide,"
I smiled and thanked him for the ride.
Now being wild and being free,
I thought the drugs had fucked with me.
But judgement stood aside the road,
And left me 'lone, it watched me go.
The van slowed down, turned to a lot,
With streetlamps out and lights been shot.
The darkness seethed with his intent,
So out the door and ran, i went.
A moment there, i thought he'd gone,
But heavy hand hit hard and wrong.
Fist in hair of amber gold,
He dragged me 'cross the pavement cold.
When i was young and full of spite,
i kicked and screamed and bit that night.
I saw 4 souls just turn away,
And leave the end to fate that day.
The moon, she cried with much remorse,
For too late a warning of course.
He threw me in and slammed the door,
And innocence lived here no more .
When i was young and full of fear,
A man walked in and took what's dear.
Cracked open a head to shut a girl up,
And forcefully take what she wouldn't give up.
This girl became someone else that night,
To bear such a violent thing in spite.
Over again, smashing fists, tearing clothes,
Watching her blood run, her eyes finally closed.
When i was young and full of fire,
That man backed off, when he did expire.
Panting and heaving and lighting a smoke,
He smiled and offered one at me, the bloke.
I swam in my blood, the world was a haze,
And I pulled from something more primal that day.
I played his sick game, I smiled and I said,
Thank you, and hid the blood on my head.
He opened the door to the moonwashed night,
He offered 2 smokes, and matches to light.
I edged to the door, thinking still i would die,
He told me he would, now why would he lie?
When i was young and full of spite,
I lost something hitch-hiking north one night.
In return though i gained much beware,
Of men and the moon who whisper "come 'ere."
Fay-Lisa. 7.22.06
i don't even know where it came from. it just did.
i haven't written a damn poetic thing since 98. since the squelching began.
and it's not poe, of course not. but it's mine.
i wanted to write a short story of the night i was brutally raped, when i was 18 years old.
because i know people are sick and we like stories like that. we like the violence and the force, even if it's in the darkest parts of ourselves and we won't outwardly admit it.
this is why the enquirer is still making money, people. cause we just can't stop wanting the grit.
it came out as poetry, this rape.
ironic, i suppose. that something so violent could be put to prose, something so degrading could be swept into a beautiful little rhyme.
so i'll put it here, cause well it's the first poetry i've written in years, and i will not shove it away into a closet as i did before.
it deserves the light of day.
When I was young.
When I was young and full of spite,
I hitch-hiked north of home one night.
The moon told me, a good idea,
Just stick your thumb out, there's a dear.
The van slowed down and opened door,
I met a man not known before.
He said "i'll take yah far an' wide,"
I smiled and thanked him for the ride.
Now being wild and being free,
I thought the drugs had fucked with me.
But judgement stood aside the road,
And left me 'lone, it watched me go.
The van slowed down, turned to a lot,
With streetlamps out and lights been shot.
The darkness seethed with his intent,
So out the door and ran, i went.
A moment there, i thought he'd gone,
But heavy hand hit hard and wrong.
Fist in hair of amber gold,
He dragged me 'cross the pavement cold.
When i was young and full of spite,
i kicked and screamed and bit that night.
I saw 4 souls just turn away,
And leave the end to fate that day.
The moon, she cried with much remorse,
For too late a warning of course.
He threw me in and slammed the door,
And innocence lived here no more .
When i was young and full of fear,
A man walked in and took what's dear.
Cracked open a head to shut a girl up,
And forcefully take what she wouldn't give up.
This girl became someone else that night,
To bear such a violent thing in spite.
Over again, smashing fists, tearing clothes,
Watching her blood run, her eyes finally closed.
When i was young and full of fire,
That man backed off, when he did expire.
Panting and heaving and lighting a smoke,
He smiled and offered one at me, the bloke.
I swam in my blood, the world was a haze,
And I pulled from something more primal that day.
I played his sick game, I smiled and I said,
Thank you, and hid the blood on my head.
He opened the door to the moonwashed night,
He offered 2 smokes, and matches to light.
I edged to the door, thinking still i would die,
He told me he would, now why would he lie?
When i was young and full of spite,
I lost something hitch-hiking north one night.
In return though i gained much beware,
Of men and the moon who whisper "come 'ere."
Fay-Lisa. 7.22.06
Friday, July 21, 2006
july 21.06. or, the day i snapped.
it's only 8:57am. and already, i'm ready to gun someone down.
it's not often i have moments like this.
usually when someone has finally pissed me off enough that i have to stand up and say...enough. fuck you. i've had it. buh bye.
all evening yesterday i was like this. i figured, hey, i'm probably pmsing or something. didn't have enough sugar and hence i'm a raging bitch. not enough starch. whatever.
and with a few little messages, i think i figured out what's wrong with me.
besides still being legally married.
i had a discussion the other day with the very, very soon to be ex husband, wherein he told me about his dating women, about the one he had just a physical thing with, etc. and i'm happy for him, really. i don't particularly care if he finds someone else, i encourage it. he left colorado 3 years ago, i haven't really seen him, we've been pending divorce for quite some time. it's not like we're together at all.
so yay, good for you, you got your groove on. go you.
and i have a moment of absolute stupidity, where...and this is precious check this out...i'm so disillusioned that our friendship is going well, that i think i can actually be honest with him and tell him a tidbit of what i've been through the last year.
because honestly, it gave me some profound insight on his position in the relationship back then. i got some "shoe on the other foot" months in there and it made me appreciate him, as a friend. it made my appologies sincere, though he didn't know that, because he had no clue what i'd been through.
tidbits. not all of it, of course. because the moment i started telling him, about losing the baby, it became about me betraying him. again.
i was wrong. i thought he was far enough removed that past is past, but i was wrong.
he's still immersed in his own self-pity.
oh, woe is me, my "wife", whom i haven't seen in a year, haven't lived in the same state as in 3 years, "cheated" on me. though i have no clue how it's cheating when we've been separated for years. ex-logic i suppose.
and he knew about this guy. he told me at one point i could go date. then when i found someone, he said well you didn't tell me ahead of time so it nullifies that offer.
you have got to be kidding me.
now, why, you may ask, have i tolerated this?
this man has been threatening to call INS (i'm canadian) on me, tell them the marriage is a fraud, and deport me.
he's been doing this, since we first got married.
"if you don't move to colorado, i'll call INS." (we lived in NY)
"if you don't agree to, i'll call INS."
"you don't deserve to live in the States. you deserve to go back to canada." like canada is a threat.
he had me "sign" some email contract last spring, stating that i wasn't "allowed" to have any male friends, no hanging out with guys, no dancing with men, no dating, no nothing with men of any sort. of course he added a clause that stated he could do whatever he wanted. but not me.
he tried to control me from another state. and i faught him on it, tried to squirm out of it, but the threat came over and over, and there i stood with a choice.
hm. do i make this "promise", get to stay in colorad where my home and job and friends are. or do i say "fuck you", like i really want to, get deported, and be homeless for a while in canada, lose all i've worked to keep in the states, plus, on top of that, not be allowed to come into the states for 10 years. (blackball of sorts when you get deported)
gee. let me think about that.
of COURSE i'm going to fight to keep what i have. and he put me in a position where i had to lie to keep it.
in a recent conversation, he justified...actually justified...threatening me with deportation.
justified it. like he had the right.
and i realized, he lives in a different world than the rest of us.
i have been on strings for years, doing what this man wanted out of fear of being deported, taken from what has now become my home, and left homeless in canada.
which, of course, he says i deserve.
what's funny, is that what he's been doing is so illegal. i've talked to lawyers, 5 years ago. if i could get solid proof that he threatens me with this, he'd be charged (i believe it's blackmail, if not extortion), and the marriage dissolved by INS. because even they don't tolerate that shit.
of course, he's a smart boy. never wrote it down. not in pen, not in email. never said it when anyone else was around. i waited, for 5 years, for him to fuck up and say it in the presence of someone else. nope. nada.
so now, INS has lifted the restriction that i have to be married to stay here. woohoo, go me.
i had a braveheart moment, yelling "freedom" into the wind i tell ya.
because this means, his threats mean nothing anymore.
he can threaten all he wants. it holds no water.
the papers are filled out, the divorce is ready.
he initially said, he'd pay for it.
then, said he'd pay for half.
now, he says i need to learn a lesson and i have to pay for all of it.
fine. ok, fine. that means you gotta wait then, cause i don't make the kind of cash he does at all, and i can't afford it right this moment.
you want to rush it? fine, pay for it. if not, then fucking wait.
sends me a message last night.
"eta on divorce?"
the moment i have the money. BELIEVE me it's not like i want to be married to this clown anymore. but rent and bills and a car payment drain me. another few weeks though, i hope to pull the cash together.
and finally, finally, be free of this man.
because contrary to what he's been trying to feed me for the past 8 years i've known him, i do deserve to be happy. i am a good person.
don't put me in a position where my way of life is threatened, and i won't lie to you to preserve it.
i do have to thank him, in a sick kind of way.
he showed me intolerance, he showed me how belittling a person can be, he showed me how controlling a man can be.
and he showed me precisely what i don't want in a relationship.
knowing him prepared me for knowing the man i love.
a man who has never said an unkind word. who hasn't ever acted out of spite.
who loves me for who i am, not who they wish i was.
who is gentle and loving and accepting in a way the ex can't even fathom.
had i not known the ex, i wouldn't be ready for this level of happiness in my life.
so for that, i can be grateful. i can thank him for the lessons he taught me, even though they were hard lessons. apparently i needed to learn them.
and i do hope he finds someone he can be happy with.
even if all he can do, is be spiteful towards me.
probably the biggest thing he taught me?
just because someone's an ass to you, doesn't mean you can be an ass back. that brings you down to their level.
and i was never down at his level.
it's not often i have moments like this.
usually when someone has finally pissed me off enough that i have to stand up and say...enough. fuck you. i've had it. buh bye.
all evening yesterday i was like this. i figured, hey, i'm probably pmsing or something. didn't have enough sugar and hence i'm a raging bitch. not enough starch. whatever.
and with a few little messages, i think i figured out what's wrong with me.
besides still being legally married.
i had a discussion the other day with the very, very soon to be ex husband, wherein he told me about his dating women, about the one he had just a physical thing with, etc. and i'm happy for him, really. i don't particularly care if he finds someone else, i encourage it. he left colorado 3 years ago, i haven't really seen him, we've been pending divorce for quite some time. it's not like we're together at all.
so yay, good for you, you got your groove on. go you.
and i have a moment of absolute stupidity, where...and this is precious check this out...i'm so disillusioned that our friendship is going well, that i think i can actually be honest with him and tell him a tidbit of what i've been through the last year.
because honestly, it gave me some profound insight on his position in the relationship back then. i got some "shoe on the other foot" months in there and it made me appreciate him, as a friend. it made my appologies sincere, though he didn't know that, because he had no clue what i'd been through.
tidbits. not all of it, of course. because the moment i started telling him, about losing the baby, it became about me betraying him. again.
i was wrong. i thought he was far enough removed that past is past, but i was wrong.
he's still immersed in his own self-pity.
oh, woe is me, my "wife", whom i haven't seen in a year, haven't lived in the same state as in 3 years, "cheated" on me. though i have no clue how it's cheating when we've been separated for years. ex-logic i suppose.
and he knew about this guy. he told me at one point i could go date. then when i found someone, he said well you didn't tell me ahead of time so it nullifies that offer.
you have got to be kidding me.
now, why, you may ask, have i tolerated this?
this man has been threatening to call INS (i'm canadian) on me, tell them the marriage is a fraud, and deport me.
he's been doing this, since we first got married.
"if you don't move to colorado, i'll call INS." (we lived in NY)
"if you don't agree to
"you don't deserve to live in the States. you deserve to go back to canada." like canada is a threat.
he had me "sign" some email contract last spring, stating that i wasn't "allowed" to have any male friends, no hanging out with guys, no dancing with men, no dating, no nothing with men of any sort. of course he added a clause that stated he could do whatever he wanted. but not me.
he tried to control me from another state. and i faught him on it, tried to squirm out of it, but the threat came over and over, and there i stood with a choice.
hm. do i make this "promise", get to stay in colorad where my home and job and friends are. or do i say "fuck you", like i really want to, get deported, and be homeless for a while in canada, lose all i've worked to keep in the states, plus, on top of that, not be allowed to come into the states for 10 years. (blackball of sorts when you get deported)
gee. let me think about that.
of COURSE i'm going to fight to keep what i have. and he put me in a position where i had to lie to keep it.
in a recent conversation, he justified...actually justified...threatening me with deportation.
justified it. like he had the right.
and i realized, he lives in a different world than the rest of us.
i have been on strings for years, doing what this man wanted out of fear of being deported, taken from what has now become my home, and left homeless in canada.
which, of course, he says i deserve.
what's funny, is that what he's been doing is so illegal. i've talked to lawyers, 5 years ago. if i could get solid proof that he threatens me with this, he'd be charged (i believe it's blackmail, if not extortion), and the marriage dissolved by INS. because even they don't tolerate that shit.
of course, he's a smart boy. never wrote it down. not in pen, not in email. never said it when anyone else was around. i waited, for 5 years, for him to fuck up and say it in the presence of someone else. nope. nada.
so now, INS has lifted the restriction that i have to be married to stay here. woohoo, go me.
i had a braveheart moment, yelling "freedom" into the wind i tell ya.
because this means, his threats mean nothing anymore.
he can threaten all he wants. it holds no water.
the papers are filled out, the divorce is ready.
he initially said, he'd pay for it.
then, said he'd pay for half.
now, he says i need to learn a lesson and i have to pay for all of it.
fine. ok, fine. that means you gotta wait then, cause i don't make the kind of cash he does at all, and i can't afford it right this moment.
you want to rush it? fine, pay for it. if not, then fucking wait.
sends me a message last night.
"eta on divorce?"
the moment i have the money. BELIEVE me it's not like i want to be married to this clown anymore. but rent and bills and a car payment drain me. another few weeks though, i hope to pull the cash together.
and finally, finally, be free of this man.
because contrary to what he's been trying to feed me for the past 8 years i've known him, i do deserve to be happy. i am a good person.
don't put me in a position where my way of life is threatened, and i won't lie to you to preserve it.
i do have to thank him, in a sick kind of way.
he showed me intolerance, he showed me how belittling a person can be, he showed me how controlling a man can be.
and he showed me precisely what i don't want in a relationship.
knowing him prepared me for knowing the man i love.
a man who has never said an unkind word. who hasn't ever acted out of spite.
who loves me for who i am, not who they wish i was.
who is gentle and loving and accepting in a way the ex can't even fathom.
had i not known the ex, i wouldn't be ready for this level of happiness in my life.
so for that, i can be grateful. i can thank him for the lessons he taught me, even though they were hard lessons. apparently i needed to learn them.
and i do hope he finds someone he can be happy with.
even if all he can do, is be spiteful towards me.
probably the biggest thing he taught me?
just because someone's an ass to you, doesn't mean you can be an ass back. that brings you down to their level.
and i was never down at his level.
Friday, June 09, 2006
June 9.06
I love corporate america.
no really.
The corporation fucks up and oops, oh we're bad, yanks most of my paycheck away because of an oversight on their part.
Fucking me hard.
No reacharound, no foreplay. Hell, no lube either, just here bend over and we'll just take this one thing from you. Could you possibly bite down on this leather bit too? And we're sorry for the inconvenience but we need you to whinny like a horse.
Not even offering any oats or barley or water.
Just when I thought I was getting ahead. The fates come by and smack me back into poverty. Lovely. I must've done something to attract their attention, as a child maybe, and now they have no one else to pick on.
It does drive me creatively, thank god.
The site will get updated. I'll have to start pushing for clients again, because being in the poorhouse does that to a girl. Looking for a second job now, which means buh-bye play time, no more hiking, camping, skateboarding, anything for a while.
Lovely.
And here I thought I could enjoy my summer.
No, no, corporate america can't have that.
Days like today, I miss home.
I miss healthcare being a right. Not something your company holds over your head and you're obligated to buy shitty coverage because, in the end, you really don't have a choice.
I miss knowing I was taken care of. I miss that security that no matter what else happened, I had the right to be healthy.
I hope the tank of gas I have will get me home.
no really.
The corporation fucks up and oops, oh we're bad, yanks most of my paycheck away because of an oversight on their part.
Fucking me hard.
No reacharound, no foreplay. Hell, no lube either, just here bend over and we'll just take this one thing from you. Could you possibly bite down on this leather bit too? And we're sorry for the inconvenience but we need you to whinny like a horse.
Not even offering any oats or barley or water.
Just when I thought I was getting ahead. The fates come by and smack me back into poverty. Lovely. I must've done something to attract their attention, as a child maybe, and now they have no one else to pick on.
It does drive me creatively, thank god.
The site will get updated. I'll have to start pushing for clients again, because being in the poorhouse does that to a girl. Looking for a second job now, which means buh-bye play time, no more hiking, camping, skateboarding, anything for a while.
Lovely.
And here I thought I could enjoy my summer.
No, no, corporate america can't have that.
Days like today, I miss home.
I miss healthcare being a right. Not something your company holds over your head and you're obligated to buy shitty coverage because, in the end, you really don't have a choice.
I miss knowing I was taken care of. I miss that security that no matter what else happened, I had the right to be healthy.
I hope the tank of gas I have will get me home.
Friday, May 19, 2006
and the Norse will rise again.....
ok, probably not.
not like they used to anyway.
i'm danish. well, i was born in canada, but my bloodline, my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, all the way back in time, are all danish. no one left denmark, apparently, it was a good place to be. so i'm a blue-blood, as it were. a purebred. my ancestors are vikings and royalty. some of them still live in the castles in denmark. the royalty, i'm assuming, not the vikings.
my mother somewhere instilled in me that this meant something. i'm not entirely sure what.
so i've been reading up on norse mythology lately. it interestss me, it's what my people, for lack of better term, believed right up until my great-grandmother. even i've called on odin, when i was once in a fever-induced delirium. i'd like to think he heard me.
i studied greek mythology for years, writing a book including them. and i love greek mythology, it intrigues the hell out of me.
norse mythology, whether it's the way it's written, or what, i'm not sure, but it's proving to be a harder read.
i do believe all the gods that were ever believed in and worshipped, actually existed. whether human or godly or just immortal, i think they're still around. not like the christian god, floating invisible up somewhere in the sky, but real. they're walking around, in cities, in villages, in towns, driving on highways, seeking what they need to survive - worship - from whomever they can.
i have to get a hold of some of these poetry books that entail the stories.
so much for keeping my brain occupied. i need distraction badly, or i think my brain is going to eat itself tonight.
if i never write again, you'll at least have the comfort of knowing why.
not like they used to anyway.
i'm danish. well, i was born in canada, but my bloodline, my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, all the way back in time, are all danish. no one left denmark, apparently, it was a good place to be. so i'm a blue-blood, as it were. a purebred. my ancestors are vikings and royalty. some of them still live in the castles in denmark. the royalty, i'm assuming, not the vikings.
my mother somewhere instilled in me that this meant something. i'm not entirely sure what.
so i've been reading up on norse mythology lately. it interestss me, it's what my people, for lack of better term, believed right up until my great-grandmother. even i've called on odin, when i was once in a fever-induced delirium. i'd like to think he heard me.
i studied greek mythology for years, writing a book including them. and i love greek mythology, it intrigues the hell out of me.
norse mythology, whether it's the way it's written, or what, i'm not sure, but it's proving to be a harder read.
i do believe all the gods that were ever believed in and worshipped, actually existed. whether human or godly or just immortal, i think they're still around. not like the christian god, floating invisible up somewhere in the sky, but real. they're walking around, in cities, in villages, in towns, driving on highways, seeking what they need to survive - worship - from whomever they can.
i have to get a hold of some of these poetry books that entail the stories.
so much for keeping my brain occupied. i need distraction badly, or i think my brain is going to eat itself tonight.
if i never write again, you'll at least have the comfort of knowing why.
Monday, April 10, 2006
April 10
Wow. It's been that long, hasn't it.
My bad.
Life has been tossing me around like a little pinata lately. And it's been weilding such a big stick to beat me with.
I'd delve into the details, but I'm just glad the details are over.
The short and dirty?
The contract ended the day before Christmas. My dream job went away.
Could not for the life of me find another job.
Tried to go on unemployment. I say tried, because giving birth was easier and didn't take a fraction as long. Was also less painful. And frustrating.
Lost the apartment. Well, now that's not entirely true. Gave it up cause I couldn't afford it, is more accurate. Details, details.
Moved in with a friend. Who dicked me over for money I didn't have. Never paid me back.
No wait. This gets better. Really.
Got a job in Vail. Couldn't find a PLACE to live in Vail, but got a job. Took a month and even then it was only another employee who ended up offering up an extra room for $600 a month. So I move to Vail finally, yay go me.
I breathe a sigh of relief. Cause my life has been total and utter chaos for months. Wears a girl out, that does.
So now I'm working again, which is great. I like it, the people I work with are extremely nice, easygoing, the job isn't brain surgery or anything. So work is never really hard. Days like today, of course, I want to personally bitch slap every single condo owner in here. But then, that's just a Monday thing. I tell myself.
That's basically the last few months.
Then there's the INS thing.
I struggled to get the money to get a passport. Fed Ex that sucker to Quebec Canada, and don't think that was cheap. Finally got it. Make an appt to see immigration so I can get it stamped so I can get my license finally. Get there, and that's no small feat from Vail, as there is honestly ONE bus, once a day, to Denver.
Walk up to the counter. Finally, they can stamp it, extend it.
She says no, we can't.
I'm ready to strangle someone there. Every time I've been there, something has gone wrong.
I breathe.
She says well, the reason she can't stamp it, is that the condition on the green card, namely me being married, was approved to be lifted.
In November.
I look at the calender.
It's....it's March. (at the time)
Five months. I never got the new card.
Well, we sent it to your address.
And she reads off the wrong address. A typo. On their part.
I swear to god, the government is blonde. A lot.
So they'd send me out a new one, to the new address.
And there it came. Shiny and new and good for 10 years.
No little piece of anything outside a small human being, has made me this deliriously happy.
I still have to deal with them, eventually in 10 years, but I won't have to do this waiting game every month anymore. Nearly 6 years of it is far too long as it was.
So now we come to present day.
When people are protesting the whole immigration thing.
Illegal immigrants. Here illegally.
Protesting that they have the right to be here?
Ahem.
Sorry, I nearly choked there.
I keep reading these articles, looking for something that resembles common sense. I'm not finding any.
I'm an immigrant. I had to do it legally, so I'm sorry if I have no sympathy for people who brush by under the system's radar, making the government paranoid about HONEST people trying to make their way in the States so that they investigate and ponder and drag their ass for 4 years longer than they have to.
I'm sorry if I have absolutely no sympathy for the illegal immigrant who has some notion they have rights here. Just because they showed up.
And I read a quote saying they have no choice.
You always have a choice. I had a choice.
Doesn't mean it's easy. Doesn't mean it's something you might be comfortable doing.
But your ass always has a choice.
You choose to sneak in here. You chose to live under the radar.
Yeah, the government doesn't make it easy. Nothing worthwhile in life is fucking easy, come ON people.
I've tried to feel their pain, really I have.
There was a time I couldn't work, I didn't have a permit at first. It was a pain in the ass. I didn't exist for a while. That's hard.
I was determined not to stay that way though. I found a way. I searched for every loophole, every technicality that I could. When all my options ran out, I found another one.
Yes, I comprimised my life a while. I comprimised who I was.
It was what I wanted in the beginning. It fell apart. Things do. People aren't who you want them to be, and one day you wake up and realize they never will be.
No fault. No fingers pointing. Just the realization that you have to move on.
Not my point here though.
The point is that I'm actualy angry that these people have the nerve to go protest for rights, for sneaking into the country. Illegally.
God, if I thought that's all it took when I got here, christ, why would I go and do it legally for 6 years? Why on earth would anyone go and spend nearly $4000 on applications, and 6 years under a microscope from the government questioning your every move, your every motivation, when all I had to do was sneak across and then demand rights.
Now they're saying there's the possibility that a bill will pass granting citizenship to those here illegally for over 2 years.
Don't think that doesn't piss me off. Guess that's what I get for trying to do it legally. God forbid.
If the government makes it easy for people illegally here to suddenly become citizens, they'll see a flood of people skipping the borders. Demanding rights.
Let's reward them for breaking the law.
Does this sound TOTALLY insane to anyone else but me?
My bad.
Life has been tossing me around like a little pinata lately. And it's been weilding such a big stick to beat me with.
I'd delve into the details, but I'm just glad the details are over.
The short and dirty?
The contract ended the day before Christmas. My dream job went away.
Could not for the life of me find another job.
Tried to go on unemployment. I say tried, because giving birth was easier and didn't take a fraction as long. Was also less painful. And frustrating.
Lost the apartment. Well, now that's not entirely true. Gave it up cause I couldn't afford it, is more accurate. Details, details.
Moved in with a friend. Who dicked me over for money I didn't have. Never paid me back.
No wait. This gets better. Really.
Got a job in Vail. Couldn't find a PLACE to live in Vail, but got a job. Took a month and even then it was only another employee who ended up offering up an extra room for $600 a month. So I move to Vail finally, yay go me.
I breathe a sigh of relief. Cause my life has been total and utter chaos for months. Wears a girl out, that does.
So now I'm working again, which is great. I like it, the people I work with are extremely nice, easygoing, the job isn't brain surgery or anything. So work is never really hard. Days like today, of course, I want to personally bitch slap every single condo owner in here. But then, that's just a Monday thing. I tell myself.
That's basically the last few months.
Then there's the INS thing.
I struggled to get the money to get a passport. Fed Ex that sucker to Quebec Canada, and don't think that was cheap. Finally got it. Make an appt to see immigration so I can get it stamped so I can get my license finally. Get there, and that's no small feat from Vail, as there is honestly ONE bus, once a day, to Denver.
Walk up to the counter. Finally, they can stamp it, extend it.
She says no, we can't.
I'm ready to strangle someone there. Every time I've been there, something has gone wrong.
I breathe.
She says well, the reason she can't stamp it, is that the condition on the green card, namely me being married, was approved to be lifted.
In November.
I look at the calender.
It's....it's March. (at the time)
Five months. I never got the new card.
Well, we sent it to your address.
And she reads off the wrong address. A typo. On their part.
I swear to god, the government is blonde. A lot.
So they'd send me out a new one, to the new address.
And there it came. Shiny and new and good for 10 years.
No little piece of anything outside a small human being, has made me this deliriously happy.
I still have to deal with them, eventually in 10 years, but I won't have to do this waiting game every month anymore. Nearly 6 years of it is far too long as it was.
So now we come to present day.
When people are protesting the whole immigration thing.
Illegal immigrants. Here illegally.
Protesting that they have the right to be here?
Ahem.
Sorry, I nearly choked there.
I keep reading these articles, looking for something that resembles common sense. I'm not finding any.
I'm an immigrant. I had to do it legally, so I'm sorry if I have no sympathy for people who brush by under the system's radar, making the government paranoid about HONEST people trying to make their way in the States so that they investigate and ponder and drag their ass for 4 years longer than they have to.
I'm sorry if I have absolutely no sympathy for the illegal immigrant who has some notion they have rights here. Just because they showed up.
And I read a quote saying they have no choice.
You always have a choice. I had a choice.
Doesn't mean it's easy. Doesn't mean it's something you might be comfortable doing.
But your ass always has a choice.
You choose to sneak in here. You chose to live under the radar.
Yeah, the government doesn't make it easy. Nothing worthwhile in life is fucking easy, come ON people.
I've tried to feel their pain, really I have.
There was a time I couldn't work, I didn't have a permit at first. It was a pain in the ass. I didn't exist for a while. That's hard.
I was determined not to stay that way though. I found a way. I searched for every loophole, every technicality that I could. When all my options ran out, I found another one.
Yes, I comprimised my life a while. I comprimised who I was.
It was what I wanted in the beginning. It fell apart. Things do. People aren't who you want them to be, and one day you wake up and realize they never will be.
No fault. No fingers pointing. Just the realization that you have to move on.
Not my point here though.
The point is that I'm actualy angry that these people have the nerve to go protest for rights, for sneaking into the country. Illegally.
God, if I thought that's all it took when I got here, christ, why would I go and do it legally for 6 years? Why on earth would anyone go and spend nearly $4000 on applications, and 6 years under a microscope from the government questioning your every move, your every motivation, when all I had to do was sneak across and then demand rights.
Now they're saying there's the possibility that a bill will pass granting citizenship to those here illegally for over 2 years.
Don't think that doesn't piss me off. Guess that's what I get for trying to do it legally. God forbid.
If the government makes it easy for people illegally here to suddenly become citizens, they'll see a flood of people skipping the borders. Demanding rights.
Let's reward them for breaking the law.
Does this sound TOTALLY insane to anyone else but me?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
nearly christmas
I don't really care what date it is. Just that it's near that awful bloody holiday and soon, very soon, it won't be that awful bloody holiday.
Let's be clear here. For the record and all.
It's not that I don't believe in christmas, I know it exists.
It's not that I'm offended by it, or something symbolic. I don't care who the holiday belongs to, frankly. It's a completely commercial venture now anyway. Who died on what day is pretty much lost to the masses. Jesus who? Isn't that the guy that lives up the street?
christmas doesn't do it for me. I'd like it to. I want a family, I want the big dinner and people coming over and buying presents for people and relatives I barely knew I had. I've love that.
I had that. Once. A long time ago.
It's gone now. and this is why the season does nothing for me.
I don't have anyone to spend it with. I don't have the children I wanted more than anything. I don't have, and never will have, any extended famliy. My parents are gone. My brother, my first and best friend in the world, gone. 2 children, gone. Even my cat that I'd gotten on mother's day to ease the pain of losing 2 children, she's dead now. I had a husband, but he spent the holidays with his family. Who didn't know I existed. So I hid, and pretended that it was ok. It killed me. Completely. I was never more alone, than in those first few years.
Someone recently pointed out to me just *how* alone I am in the world. Thank you, asshole, fuck you too. I KNOW I'm alone, I really don't need you awestricken about how I can possibly handle my 9th year alone on christmas. Go fuck yourself. I certainly won't be spending it anywhere near you. I'd rather be alone than in the presence of such a dick.
I'm sure millions of people are just this alone. I know a few people who think they know, saying "i'm not spending it with my family this year." Dude you have no clue. I don't HAVE that option. I don't HAVE a family. No one. Utterly alone in this world. Which, technically, we all are. Most of you just have some kind of people who share your blood. I don't.
So forgive me if I don't share your familial enthusiasm.
It's not like i hate the season. I stapled those tacky lights from above my bed, onto the wall in the shape of an art deco christmas tree. I bought a trinket or two for my friends, something for myself so I'd have something to unwrap. I play christmas music, mostly the rat pack and sinatra, because I love how the old songs sound. All cozy and warm and gives me some sort of childhood throwback that makes me feel secure, even though I don't remember what it was.
Imagine that. Alone in the world, with no childhood memories. At all. Nevermind of christmas, just none. Most of my life is just a blank. The best christmas I had was with my daughter. Who, of course, is gone. One. Just, one. One really great christmas. in 35 years.
Forgive me if I sound bitter, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken every year. I try to ignore the season and do something nice for people I know and myself, and on christmas, which for me is on the 24th, I shut the door and turn off the phone, and pretend like it's not that day.
The day meant for families. Of which I have none. I've lost everyone I have ever loved. I know people say that, but I truly have. Everyone. Is gone.
And it just baffles me. Because I'm a great woman, who's learned how to love without condition, without restriction. I want a family, I'd love to stay home and raise a family. I'm gifted, talented, inspired, intelligent, patient, a smartass, funny, witty, mostly zen-like that I live in today and stress very little.....
So why. Why am I the one who's alone i the world?
Is this some cruel lesson from the fates? Who are NOT in my good graces lately, boy.
I can handle alone time, that's different than being alone.
Why is it I pick emotionally inept men? Why is it my family couldn't love me? I don't get it. I love me, damnit.
Why am I the only one?
They come and go, don't get me wrong. But they can't appreciate me while I'm with them, while I'm absolutely in love with them, and they fuck it up. I don't give second chances, it's a bad idea, it's never worked for me. It gets worse.
So then they come running back once they've fucked it up and lost me, babbling about how much they love me now, how much they want to be with me now. Now, when it's too late. Now, when I'm gone. All of them. I'd endlessly love just one man who could appreciate me while I'm there. Who knows, damnit I'm lucky that this woman wants to hang around me, I'm priveleged that she sees something in me and loves me to death. I'd better not fuck this up, she's too precious to lose. She's too wonderful to hurt.
Maybe one day. Maybe the fates are preparing me for it. Maybe they're just smoking crack up there and having some sort of orgy. Who knows.
So there. My christmas rant.
Just think. Your holiday can't possibly be worse than mine.
Let's be clear here. For the record and all.
It's not that I don't believe in christmas, I know it exists.
It's not that I'm offended by it, or something symbolic. I don't care who the holiday belongs to, frankly. It's a completely commercial venture now anyway. Who died on what day is pretty much lost to the masses. Jesus who? Isn't that the guy that lives up the street?
christmas doesn't do it for me. I'd like it to. I want a family, I want the big dinner and people coming over and buying presents for people and relatives I barely knew I had. I've love that.
I had that. Once. A long time ago.
It's gone now. and this is why the season does nothing for me.
I don't have anyone to spend it with. I don't have the children I wanted more than anything. I don't have, and never will have, any extended famliy. My parents are gone. My brother, my first and best friend in the world, gone. 2 children, gone. Even my cat that I'd gotten on mother's day to ease the pain of losing 2 children, she's dead now. I had a husband, but he spent the holidays with his family. Who didn't know I existed. So I hid, and pretended that it was ok. It killed me. Completely. I was never more alone, than in those first few years.
Someone recently pointed out to me just *how* alone I am in the world. Thank you, asshole, fuck you too. I KNOW I'm alone, I really don't need you awestricken about how I can possibly handle my 9th year alone on christmas. Go fuck yourself. I certainly won't be spending it anywhere near you. I'd rather be alone than in the presence of such a dick.
I'm sure millions of people are just this alone. I know a few people who think they know, saying "i'm not spending it with my family this year." Dude you have no clue. I don't HAVE that option. I don't HAVE a family. No one. Utterly alone in this world. Which, technically, we all are. Most of you just have some kind of people who share your blood. I don't.
So forgive me if I don't share your familial enthusiasm.
It's not like i hate the season. I stapled those tacky lights from above my bed, onto the wall in the shape of an art deco christmas tree. I bought a trinket or two for my friends, something for myself so I'd have something to unwrap. I play christmas music, mostly the rat pack and sinatra, because I love how the old songs sound. All cozy and warm and gives me some sort of childhood throwback that makes me feel secure, even though I don't remember what it was.
Imagine that. Alone in the world, with no childhood memories. At all. Nevermind of christmas, just none. Most of my life is just a blank. The best christmas I had was with my daughter. Who, of course, is gone. One. Just, one. One really great christmas. in 35 years.
Forgive me if I sound bitter, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken every year. I try to ignore the season and do something nice for people I know and myself, and on christmas, which for me is on the 24th, I shut the door and turn off the phone, and pretend like it's not that day.
The day meant for families. Of which I have none. I've lost everyone I have ever loved. I know people say that, but I truly have. Everyone. Is gone.
And it just baffles me. Because I'm a great woman, who's learned how to love without condition, without restriction. I want a family, I'd love to stay home and raise a family. I'm gifted, talented, inspired, intelligent, patient, a smartass, funny, witty, mostly zen-like that I live in today and stress very little.....
So why. Why am I the one who's alone i the world?
Is this some cruel lesson from the fates? Who are NOT in my good graces lately, boy.
I can handle alone time, that's different than being alone.
Why is it I pick emotionally inept men? Why is it my family couldn't love me? I don't get it. I love me, damnit.
Why am I the only one?
They come and go, don't get me wrong. But they can't appreciate me while I'm with them, while I'm absolutely in love with them, and they fuck it up. I don't give second chances, it's a bad idea, it's never worked for me. It gets worse.
So then they come running back once they've fucked it up and lost me, babbling about how much they love me now, how much they want to be with me now. Now, when it's too late. Now, when I'm gone. All of them. I'd endlessly love just one man who could appreciate me while I'm there. Who knows, damnit I'm lucky that this woman wants to hang around me, I'm priveleged that she sees something in me and loves me to death. I'd better not fuck this up, she's too precious to lose. She's too wonderful to hurt.
Maybe one day. Maybe the fates are preparing me for it. Maybe they're just smoking crack up there and having some sort of orgy. Who knows.
So there. My christmas rant.
Just think. Your holiday can't possibly be worse than mine.
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