it's not often i have moments like this.
usually when someone has finally pissed me off enough that i have to stand up and say...enough. fuck you. i've had it. buh bye.
all evening yesterday i was like this. i figured, hey, i'm probably pmsing or something. didn't have enough sugar and hence i'm a raging bitch. not enough starch. whatever.
and with a few little messages, i think i figured out what's wrong with me.
besides still being legally married.
i had a discussion the other day with the very, very soon to be ex husband, wherein he told me about his dating women, about the one he had just a physical thing with, etc. and i'm happy for him, really. i don't particularly care if he finds someone else, i encourage it. he left colorado 3 years ago, i haven't really seen him, we've been pending divorce for quite some time. it's not like we're together at all.
so yay, good for you, you got your groove on. go you.
and i have a moment of absolute stupidity, where...and this is precious check this out...i'm so disillusioned that our friendship is going well, that i think i can actually be honest with him and tell him a tidbit of what i've been through the last year.
because honestly, it gave me some profound insight on his position in the relationship back then. i got some "shoe on the other foot" months in there and it made me appreciate him, as a friend. it made my appologies sincere, though he didn't know that, because he had no clue what i'd been through.
tidbits. not all of it, of course. because the moment i started telling him, about losing the baby, it became about me betraying him. again.
i was wrong. i thought he was far enough removed that past is past, but i was wrong.
he's still immersed in his own self-pity.
oh, woe is me, my "wife", whom i haven't seen in a year, haven't lived in the same state as in 3 years, "cheated" on me. though i have no clue how it's cheating when we've been separated for years. ex-logic i suppose.
and he knew about this guy. he told me at one point i could go date. then when i found someone, he said well you didn't tell me ahead of time so it nullifies that offer.
you have got to be kidding me.
now, why, you may ask, have i tolerated this?
this man has been threatening to call INS (i'm canadian) on me, tell them the marriage is a fraud, and deport me.
he's been doing this, since we first got married.
"if you don't move to colorado, i'll call INS." (we lived in NY)
"if you don't agree to
"you don't deserve to live in the States. you deserve to go back to canada." like canada is a threat.
he had me "sign" some email contract last spring, stating that i wasn't "allowed" to have any male friends, no hanging out with guys, no dancing with men, no dating, no nothing with men of any sort. of course he added a clause that stated he could do whatever he wanted. but not me.
he tried to control me from another state. and i faught him on it, tried to squirm out of it, but the threat came over and over, and there i stood with a choice.
hm. do i make this "promise", get to stay in colorad where my home and job and friends are. or do i say "fuck you", like i really want to, get deported, and be homeless for a while in canada, lose all i've worked to keep in the states, plus, on top of that, not be allowed to come into the states for 10 years. (blackball of sorts when you get deported)
gee. let me think about that.
of COURSE i'm going to fight to keep what i have. and he put me in a position where i had to lie to keep it.
in a recent conversation, he justified...actually justified...threatening me with deportation.
justified it. like he had the right.
and i realized, he lives in a different world than the rest of us.
i have been on strings for years, doing what this man wanted out of fear of being deported, taken from what has now become my home, and left homeless in canada.
which, of course, he says i deserve.
what's funny, is that what he's been doing is so illegal. i've talked to lawyers, 5 years ago. if i could get solid proof that he threatens me with this, he'd be charged (i believe it's blackmail, if not extortion), and the marriage dissolved by INS. because even they don't tolerate that shit.
of course, he's a smart boy. never wrote it down. not in pen, not in email. never said it when anyone else was around. i waited, for 5 years, for him to fuck up and say it in the presence of someone else. nope. nada.
so now, INS has lifted the restriction that i have to be married to stay here. woohoo, go me.
i had a braveheart moment, yelling "freedom" into the wind i tell ya.
because this means, his threats mean nothing anymore.
he can threaten all he wants. it holds no water.
the papers are filled out, the divorce is ready.
he initially said, he'd pay for it.
then, said he'd pay for half.
now, he says i need to learn a lesson and i have to pay for all of it.
fine. ok, fine. that means you gotta wait then, cause i don't make the kind of cash he does at all, and i can't afford it right this moment.
you want to rush it? fine, pay for it. if not, then fucking wait.
sends me a message last night.
"eta on divorce?"
the moment i have the money. BELIEVE me it's not like i want to be married to this clown anymore. but rent and bills and a car payment drain me. another few weeks though, i hope to pull the cash together.
and finally, finally, be free of this man.
because contrary to what he's been trying to feed me for the past 8 years i've known him, i do deserve to be happy. i am a good person.
don't put me in a position where my way of life is threatened, and i won't lie to you to preserve it.
i do have to thank him, in a sick kind of way.
he showed me intolerance, he showed me how belittling a person can be, he showed me how controlling a man can be.
and he showed me precisely what i don't want in a relationship.
knowing him prepared me for knowing the man i love.
a man who has never said an unkind word. who hasn't ever acted out of spite.
who loves me for who i am, not who they wish i was.
who is gentle and loving and accepting in a way the ex can't even fathom.
had i not known the ex, i wouldn't be ready for this level of happiness in my life.
so for that, i can be grateful. i can thank him for the lessons he taught me, even though they were hard lessons. apparently i needed to learn them.
and i do hope he finds someone he can be happy with.
even if all he can do, is be spiteful towards me.
probably the biggest thing he taught me?
just because someone's an ass to you, doesn't mean you can be an ass back. that brings you down to their level.
and i was never down at his level.
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