you do realize that i never know what date it actually is.
i have to look it up. thank god i work, i'd never have a reason to find out.
this morning, driving to work, i made a mental note.
not usually something that stays that early in the morning. kind of like those sticky notes that lose the stick on the back. just floats off.
but i woke up early this morning. i got my hair chopped yesterday, and a girl's gotta give herself a few extra minutes when she has no clue now how to do her hair.
so i actually had coffee this morning. with whipped cream in it.
the whipped cream seemed important. i even brought it to work. 'cause they have the best hot chocolate here and it deserves whipped cream.
so anyway. the mental note.
there's a dip in the road, on the way to work. a little valley sort of thing. not terribly low, but low enough that, on most morning, there are clouds in it.
i drive through the clouds on the way to work.
this struck me as somehow profound today.
i do it sometimes at night too, the clouds settle that late at night.
but at dawn, driving through pink, yellow or orange tinted clouds, is just heavenly.
it gave me peace this morning. that zen feeling that all is right with my world.
that my world is a beautiful place. that everything will be ok.
because, after all, i drive through clouds on my way to work.
i've never lived anywhere so absolutely beautiful, or so consistently stunning, in my life.
i love it here.
actually, going back to "civilization" now irritates me. boulder drives me nuts, i hate going there. i even dislike coming into vail, it's too busy.
how easily one reverts to life in an exceedingly small town.
things are at half pace. life is slowed down there.
work is just work, play and life is what matters.
they say that here in vail, but i don't think they mean it. i think in the winter they do. cause they all go skiing and snowboarding. in the summer, oooh then it's all about where your life is going, and what career you have.
i've missed this euphoric feeling, of loving so much where i live.
i loved binghamton, for a long time. the mountains gave me inspiration, gave me peace and comfort and i found what i believed there. when slush starting falling consistently from the sky, it was time to go, but i still did really love it there. i wrote 2 books there. i wrote page on page of poetry there. i was creative there.
here, god the mountains here make those look like small bumps in the road. i live nestled in a string of 14-footers (local, means mountains that are 14,000 feet or more). i wake up to this every morning. seeing snow capped mountains surround the town i live in.
i drive over the continental divide every day.
and i drive through the clouds.
i am happier, more at peace, than i have been in years.
there are things i'm missing still, but they're coming.
maybe they were just waiting til i got to where i am, to show up and say "hey, took you long enough."
Friday, July 28, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
july 22.06
for the first time in years, i wrote poetry tonight.
i don't even know where it came from. it just did.
i haven't written a damn poetic thing since 98. since the squelching began.
and it's not poe, of course not. but it's mine.
i wanted to write a short story of the night i was brutally raped, when i was 18 years old.
because i know people are sick and we like stories like that. we like the violence and the force, even if it's in the darkest parts of ourselves and we won't outwardly admit it.
this is why the enquirer is still making money, people. cause we just can't stop wanting the grit.
it came out as poetry, this rape.
ironic, i suppose. that something so violent could be put to prose, something so degrading could be swept into a beautiful little rhyme.
so i'll put it here, cause well it's the first poetry i've written in years, and i will not shove it away into a closet as i did before.
it deserves the light of day.
When I was young.
When I was young and full of spite,
I hitch-hiked north of home one night.
The moon told me, a good idea,
Just stick your thumb out, there's a dear.
The van slowed down and opened door,
I met a man not known before.
He said "i'll take yah far an' wide,"
I smiled and thanked him for the ride.
Now being wild and being free,
I thought the drugs had fucked with me.
But judgement stood aside the road,
And left me 'lone, it watched me go.
The van slowed down, turned to a lot,
With streetlamps out and lights been shot.
The darkness seethed with his intent,
So out the door and ran, i went.
A moment there, i thought he'd gone,
But heavy hand hit hard and wrong.
Fist in hair of amber gold,
He dragged me 'cross the pavement cold.
When i was young and full of spite,
i kicked and screamed and bit that night.
I saw 4 souls just turn away,
And leave the end to fate that day.
The moon, she cried with much remorse,
For too late a warning of course.
He threw me in and slammed the door,
And innocence lived here no more .
When i was young and full of fear,
A man walked in and took what's dear.
Cracked open a head to shut a girl up,
And forcefully take what she wouldn't give up.
This girl became someone else that night,
To bear such a violent thing in spite.
Over again, smashing fists, tearing clothes,
Watching her blood run, her eyes finally closed.
When i was young and full of fire,
That man backed off, when he did expire.
Panting and heaving and lighting a smoke,
He smiled and offered one at me, the bloke.
I swam in my blood, the world was a haze,
And I pulled from something more primal that day.
I played his sick game, I smiled and I said,
Thank you, and hid the blood on my head.
He opened the door to the moonwashed night,
He offered 2 smokes, and matches to light.
I edged to the door, thinking still i would die,
He told me he would, now why would he lie?
When i was young and full of spite,
I lost something hitch-hiking north one night.
In return though i gained much beware,
Of men and the moon who whisper "come 'ere."
Fay-Lisa. 7.22.06
i don't even know where it came from. it just did.
i haven't written a damn poetic thing since 98. since the squelching began.
and it's not poe, of course not. but it's mine.
i wanted to write a short story of the night i was brutally raped, when i was 18 years old.
because i know people are sick and we like stories like that. we like the violence and the force, even if it's in the darkest parts of ourselves and we won't outwardly admit it.
this is why the enquirer is still making money, people. cause we just can't stop wanting the grit.
it came out as poetry, this rape.
ironic, i suppose. that something so violent could be put to prose, something so degrading could be swept into a beautiful little rhyme.
so i'll put it here, cause well it's the first poetry i've written in years, and i will not shove it away into a closet as i did before.
it deserves the light of day.
When I was young.
When I was young and full of spite,
I hitch-hiked north of home one night.
The moon told me, a good idea,
Just stick your thumb out, there's a dear.
The van slowed down and opened door,
I met a man not known before.
He said "i'll take yah far an' wide,"
I smiled and thanked him for the ride.
Now being wild and being free,
I thought the drugs had fucked with me.
But judgement stood aside the road,
And left me 'lone, it watched me go.
The van slowed down, turned to a lot,
With streetlamps out and lights been shot.
The darkness seethed with his intent,
So out the door and ran, i went.
A moment there, i thought he'd gone,
But heavy hand hit hard and wrong.
Fist in hair of amber gold,
He dragged me 'cross the pavement cold.
When i was young and full of spite,
i kicked and screamed and bit that night.
I saw 4 souls just turn away,
And leave the end to fate that day.
The moon, she cried with much remorse,
For too late a warning of course.
He threw me in and slammed the door,
And innocence lived here no more .
When i was young and full of fear,
A man walked in and took what's dear.
Cracked open a head to shut a girl up,
And forcefully take what she wouldn't give up.
This girl became someone else that night,
To bear such a violent thing in spite.
Over again, smashing fists, tearing clothes,
Watching her blood run, her eyes finally closed.
When i was young and full of fire,
That man backed off, when he did expire.
Panting and heaving and lighting a smoke,
He smiled and offered one at me, the bloke.
I swam in my blood, the world was a haze,
And I pulled from something more primal that day.
I played his sick game, I smiled and I said,
Thank you, and hid the blood on my head.
He opened the door to the moonwashed night,
He offered 2 smokes, and matches to light.
I edged to the door, thinking still i would die,
He told me he would, now why would he lie?
When i was young and full of spite,
I lost something hitch-hiking north one night.
In return though i gained much beware,
Of men and the moon who whisper "come 'ere."
Fay-Lisa. 7.22.06
Friday, July 21, 2006
july 21.06. or, the day i snapped.
it's only 8:57am. and already, i'm ready to gun someone down.
it's not often i have moments like this.
usually when someone has finally pissed me off enough that i have to stand up and say...enough. fuck you. i've had it. buh bye.
all evening yesterday i was like this. i figured, hey, i'm probably pmsing or something. didn't have enough sugar and hence i'm a raging bitch. not enough starch. whatever.
and with a few little messages, i think i figured out what's wrong with me.
besides still being legally married.
i had a discussion the other day with the very, very soon to be ex husband, wherein he told me about his dating women, about the one he had just a physical thing with, etc. and i'm happy for him, really. i don't particularly care if he finds someone else, i encourage it. he left colorado 3 years ago, i haven't really seen him, we've been pending divorce for quite some time. it's not like we're together at all.
so yay, good for you, you got your groove on. go you.
and i have a moment of absolute stupidity, where...and this is precious check this out...i'm so disillusioned that our friendship is going well, that i think i can actually be honest with him and tell him a tidbit of what i've been through the last year.
because honestly, it gave me some profound insight on his position in the relationship back then. i got some "shoe on the other foot" months in there and it made me appreciate him, as a friend. it made my appologies sincere, though he didn't know that, because he had no clue what i'd been through.
tidbits. not all of it, of course. because the moment i started telling him, about losing the baby, it became about me betraying him. again.
i was wrong. i thought he was far enough removed that past is past, but i was wrong.
he's still immersed in his own self-pity.
oh, woe is me, my "wife", whom i haven't seen in a year, haven't lived in the same state as in 3 years, "cheated" on me. though i have no clue how it's cheating when we've been separated for years. ex-logic i suppose.
and he knew about this guy. he told me at one point i could go date. then when i found someone, he said well you didn't tell me ahead of time so it nullifies that offer.
you have got to be kidding me.
now, why, you may ask, have i tolerated this?
this man has been threatening to call INS (i'm canadian) on me, tell them the marriage is a fraud, and deport me.
he's been doing this, since we first got married.
"if you don't move to colorado, i'll call INS." (we lived in NY)
"if you don't agree to, i'll call INS."
"you don't deserve to live in the States. you deserve to go back to canada." like canada is a threat.
he had me "sign" some email contract last spring, stating that i wasn't "allowed" to have any male friends, no hanging out with guys, no dancing with men, no dating, no nothing with men of any sort. of course he added a clause that stated he could do whatever he wanted. but not me.
he tried to control me from another state. and i faught him on it, tried to squirm out of it, but the threat came over and over, and there i stood with a choice.
hm. do i make this "promise", get to stay in colorad where my home and job and friends are. or do i say "fuck you", like i really want to, get deported, and be homeless for a while in canada, lose all i've worked to keep in the states, plus, on top of that, not be allowed to come into the states for 10 years. (blackball of sorts when you get deported)
gee. let me think about that.
of COURSE i'm going to fight to keep what i have. and he put me in a position where i had to lie to keep it.
in a recent conversation, he justified...actually justified...threatening me with deportation.
justified it. like he had the right.
and i realized, he lives in a different world than the rest of us.
i have been on strings for years, doing what this man wanted out of fear of being deported, taken from what has now become my home, and left homeless in canada.
which, of course, he says i deserve.
what's funny, is that what he's been doing is so illegal. i've talked to lawyers, 5 years ago. if i could get solid proof that he threatens me with this, he'd be charged (i believe it's blackmail, if not extortion), and the marriage dissolved by INS. because even they don't tolerate that shit.
of course, he's a smart boy. never wrote it down. not in pen, not in email. never said it when anyone else was around. i waited, for 5 years, for him to fuck up and say it in the presence of someone else. nope. nada.
so now, INS has lifted the restriction that i have to be married to stay here. woohoo, go me.
i had a braveheart moment, yelling "freedom" into the wind i tell ya.
because this means, his threats mean nothing anymore.
he can threaten all he wants. it holds no water.
the papers are filled out, the divorce is ready.
he initially said, he'd pay for it.
then, said he'd pay for half.
now, he says i need to learn a lesson and i have to pay for all of it.
fine. ok, fine. that means you gotta wait then, cause i don't make the kind of cash he does at all, and i can't afford it right this moment.
you want to rush it? fine, pay for it. if not, then fucking wait.
sends me a message last night.
"eta on divorce?"
the moment i have the money. BELIEVE me it's not like i want to be married to this clown anymore. but rent and bills and a car payment drain me. another few weeks though, i hope to pull the cash together.
and finally, finally, be free of this man.
because contrary to what he's been trying to feed me for the past 8 years i've known him, i do deserve to be happy. i am a good person.
don't put me in a position where my way of life is threatened, and i won't lie to you to preserve it.
i do have to thank him, in a sick kind of way.
he showed me intolerance, he showed me how belittling a person can be, he showed me how controlling a man can be.
and he showed me precisely what i don't want in a relationship.
knowing him prepared me for knowing the man i love.
a man who has never said an unkind word. who hasn't ever acted out of spite.
who loves me for who i am, not who they wish i was.
who is gentle and loving and accepting in a way the ex can't even fathom.
had i not known the ex, i wouldn't be ready for this level of happiness in my life.
so for that, i can be grateful. i can thank him for the lessons he taught me, even though they were hard lessons. apparently i needed to learn them.
and i do hope he finds someone he can be happy with.
even if all he can do, is be spiteful towards me.
probably the biggest thing he taught me?
just because someone's an ass to you, doesn't mean you can be an ass back. that brings you down to their level.
and i was never down at his level.
it's not often i have moments like this.
usually when someone has finally pissed me off enough that i have to stand up and say...enough. fuck you. i've had it. buh bye.
all evening yesterday i was like this. i figured, hey, i'm probably pmsing or something. didn't have enough sugar and hence i'm a raging bitch. not enough starch. whatever.
and with a few little messages, i think i figured out what's wrong with me.
besides still being legally married.
i had a discussion the other day with the very, very soon to be ex husband, wherein he told me about his dating women, about the one he had just a physical thing with, etc. and i'm happy for him, really. i don't particularly care if he finds someone else, i encourage it. he left colorado 3 years ago, i haven't really seen him, we've been pending divorce for quite some time. it's not like we're together at all.
so yay, good for you, you got your groove on. go you.
and i have a moment of absolute stupidity, where...and this is precious check this out...i'm so disillusioned that our friendship is going well, that i think i can actually be honest with him and tell him a tidbit of what i've been through the last year.
because honestly, it gave me some profound insight on his position in the relationship back then. i got some "shoe on the other foot" months in there and it made me appreciate him, as a friend. it made my appologies sincere, though he didn't know that, because he had no clue what i'd been through.
tidbits. not all of it, of course. because the moment i started telling him, about losing the baby, it became about me betraying him. again.
i was wrong. i thought he was far enough removed that past is past, but i was wrong.
he's still immersed in his own self-pity.
oh, woe is me, my "wife", whom i haven't seen in a year, haven't lived in the same state as in 3 years, "cheated" on me. though i have no clue how it's cheating when we've been separated for years. ex-logic i suppose.
and he knew about this guy. he told me at one point i could go date. then when i found someone, he said well you didn't tell me ahead of time so it nullifies that offer.
you have got to be kidding me.
now, why, you may ask, have i tolerated this?
this man has been threatening to call INS (i'm canadian) on me, tell them the marriage is a fraud, and deport me.
he's been doing this, since we first got married.
"if you don't move to colorado, i'll call INS." (we lived in NY)
"if you don't agree to
"you don't deserve to live in the States. you deserve to go back to canada." like canada is a threat.
he had me "sign" some email contract last spring, stating that i wasn't "allowed" to have any male friends, no hanging out with guys, no dancing with men, no dating, no nothing with men of any sort. of course he added a clause that stated he could do whatever he wanted. but not me.
he tried to control me from another state. and i faught him on it, tried to squirm out of it, but the threat came over and over, and there i stood with a choice.
hm. do i make this "promise", get to stay in colorad where my home and job and friends are. or do i say "fuck you", like i really want to, get deported, and be homeless for a while in canada, lose all i've worked to keep in the states, plus, on top of that, not be allowed to come into the states for 10 years. (blackball of sorts when you get deported)
gee. let me think about that.
of COURSE i'm going to fight to keep what i have. and he put me in a position where i had to lie to keep it.
in a recent conversation, he justified...actually justified...threatening me with deportation.
justified it. like he had the right.
and i realized, he lives in a different world than the rest of us.
i have been on strings for years, doing what this man wanted out of fear of being deported, taken from what has now become my home, and left homeless in canada.
which, of course, he says i deserve.
what's funny, is that what he's been doing is so illegal. i've talked to lawyers, 5 years ago. if i could get solid proof that he threatens me with this, he'd be charged (i believe it's blackmail, if not extortion), and the marriage dissolved by INS. because even they don't tolerate that shit.
of course, he's a smart boy. never wrote it down. not in pen, not in email. never said it when anyone else was around. i waited, for 5 years, for him to fuck up and say it in the presence of someone else. nope. nada.
so now, INS has lifted the restriction that i have to be married to stay here. woohoo, go me.
i had a braveheart moment, yelling "freedom" into the wind i tell ya.
because this means, his threats mean nothing anymore.
he can threaten all he wants. it holds no water.
the papers are filled out, the divorce is ready.
he initially said, he'd pay for it.
then, said he'd pay for half.
now, he says i need to learn a lesson and i have to pay for all of it.
fine. ok, fine. that means you gotta wait then, cause i don't make the kind of cash he does at all, and i can't afford it right this moment.
you want to rush it? fine, pay for it. if not, then fucking wait.
sends me a message last night.
"eta on divorce?"
the moment i have the money. BELIEVE me it's not like i want to be married to this clown anymore. but rent and bills and a car payment drain me. another few weeks though, i hope to pull the cash together.
and finally, finally, be free of this man.
because contrary to what he's been trying to feed me for the past 8 years i've known him, i do deserve to be happy. i am a good person.
don't put me in a position where my way of life is threatened, and i won't lie to you to preserve it.
i do have to thank him, in a sick kind of way.
he showed me intolerance, he showed me how belittling a person can be, he showed me how controlling a man can be.
and he showed me precisely what i don't want in a relationship.
knowing him prepared me for knowing the man i love.
a man who has never said an unkind word. who hasn't ever acted out of spite.
who loves me for who i am, not who they wish i was.
who is gentle and loving and accepting in a way the ex can't even fathom.
had i not known the ex, i wouldn't be ready for this level of happiness in my life.
so for that, i can be grateful. i can thank him for the lessons he taught me, even though they were hard lessons. apparently i needed to learn them.
and i do hope he finds someone he can be happy with.
even if all he can do, is be spiteful towards me.
probably the biggest thing he taught me?
just because someone's an ass to you, doesn't mean you can be an ass back. that brings you down to their level.
and i was never down at his level.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
