nearly christmas

I don't really care what date it is. Just that it's near that awful bloody holiday and soon, very soon, it won't be that awful bloody holiday.

Let's be clear here. For the record and all.
It's not that I don't believe in christmas, I know it exists.
It's not that I'm offended by it, or something symbolic. I don't care who the holiday belongs to, frankly. It's a completely commercial venture now anyway. Who died on what day is pretty much lost to the masses. Jesus who? Isn't that the guy that lives up the street?

christmas doesn't do it for me. I'd like it to. I want a family, I want the big dinner and people coming over and buying presents for people and relatives I barely knew I had. I've love that.
I had that. Once. A long time ago.
It's gone now. and this is why the season does nothing for me.

I don't have anyone to spend it with. I don't have the children I wanted more than anything. I don't have, and never will have, any extended famliy. My parents are gone. My brother, my first and best friend in the world, gone. 2 children, gone. Even my cat that I'd gotten on mother's day to ease the pain of losing 2 children, she's dead now. I had a husband, but he spent the holidays with his family. Who didn't know I existed. So I hid, and pretended that it was ok. It killed me. Completely. I was never more alone, than in those first few years.

Someone recently pointed out to me just *how* alone I am in the world. Thank you, asshole, fuck you too. I KNOW I'm alone, I really don't need you awestricken about how I can possibly handle my 9th year alone on christmas. Go fuck yourself. I certainly won't be spending it anywhere near you. I'd rather be alone than in the presence of such a dick.

I'm sure millions of people are just this alone. I know a few people who think they know, saying "i'm not spending it with my family this year." Dude you have no clue. I don't HAVE that option. I don't HAVE a family. No one. Utterly alone in this world. Which, technically, we all are. Most of you just have some kind of people who share your blood. I don't.

So forgive me if I don't share your familial enthusiasm.
It's not like i hate the season. I stapled those tacky lights from above my bed, onto the wall in the shape of an art deco christmas tree. I bought a trinket or two for my friends, something for myself so I'd have something to unwrap. I play christmas music, mostly the rat pack and sinatra, because I love how the old songs sound. All cozy and warm and gives me some sort of childhood throwback that makes me feel secure, even though I don't remember what it was.

Imagine that. Alone in the world, with no childhood memories. At all. Nevermind of christmas, just none. Most of my life is just a blank. The best christmas I had was with my daughter. Who, of course, is gone. One. Just, one. One really great christmas. in 35 years.

Forgive me if I sound bitter, I'm not. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken every year. I try to ignore the season and do something nice for people I know and myself, and on christmas, which for me is on the 24th, I shut the door and turn off the phone, and pretend like it's not that day.

The day meant for families. Of which I have none. I've lost everyone I have ever loved. I know people say that, but I truly have. Everyone. Is gone.
And it just baffles me. Because I'm a great woman, who's learned how to love without condition, without restriction. I want a family, I'd love to stay home and raise a family. I'm gifted, talented, inspired, intelligent, patient, a smartass, funny, witty, mostly zen-like that I live in today and stress very little.....

So why. Why am I the one who's alone i the world?
Is this some cruel lesson from the fates? Who are NOT in my good graces lately, boy.
I can handle alone time, that's different than being alone.
Why is it I pick emotionally inept men? Why is it my family couldn't love me? I don't get it. I love me, damnit.
Why am I the only one?

They come and go, don't get me wrong. But they can't appreciate me while I'm with them, while I'm absolutely in love with them, and they fuck it up. I don't give second chances, it's a bad idea, it's never worked for me. It gets worse.
So then they come running back once they've fucked it up and lost me, babbling about how much they love me now, how much they want to be with me now. Now, when it's too late. Now, when I'm gone. All of them. I'd endlessly love just one man who could appreciate me while I'm there. Who knows, damnit I'm lucky that this woman wants to hang around me, I'm priveleged that she sees something in me and loves me to death. I'd better not fuck this up, she's too precious to lose. She's too wonderful to hurt.

Maybe one day. Maybe the fates are preparing me for it. Maybe they're just smoking crack up there and having some sort of orgy. Who knows.

So there. My christmas rant.
Just think. Your holiday can't possibly be worse than mine.

december 7.05

i wrote this email to a friend of mine, and giggled so much reading it, that i had to post it here.

Jenna:
this was my night last night. you'll adore this. you'll laugh. i did.

it's 11:45.
i'm laying in bed, odin stomping all over me, listening to them shovel snow outside.
i can't sleep. i'm thinking about finding out if i have this job tomorrow.
let's be honest, i'm not sleeping anytime soon.
ok, so what to do.
get yer ass up, woman. do something to wear yourself out.

put up christmas lights.

i think this was satan speaking to me. later, i knew it must have been.

ok, how hard can it be. half an hour, i'll string some lights....where.
ah ha. in the most difficult place possible.
i'll make a CANOPY over my bed with them. yeah. c'mon, i can do that. how hard can it be.
i get the christmas lights from on top of the bathroom.
ooh, lots of those icicle ones. perfect.
i go digging for the picture wire i have around somewhere. yes. found it.
and the industrial strength stapler. the big ass one. that you need to be able to bench 200 lbs just to use. that one.

ok ok, so let's position the wire where i want the lights. hang them from the ceiling.
again, satan speaking.
get the little stool out. stand on it. staple the first one into the beam. wrap the wire around itself.
ah ha. see, not hard. i'll be in bed by midnight with lots of pretty lights around me.

do the second one. and the third.
the fourth, that's the one over the bed in the corner.
so i put the stool ON THE BED.
it was an act of cirque du soliel that i didn't break my neck stapling that fucker to the ceiling.
one hand on the wall, wire in my teeth, stapler in my other hand which is also hanging onto the beam above me, one knee on the stool, one on the windowsill, christmas lights under my arm.
i wish i could have had a picture of that.
ok, great, i don't kill myself hanging the wire. woohoo, go me.
now i go around and start attaching the wire to the christmas lights.

it immediately dawns on me that this is not going to make a straight line.
i'm gonna have saggy christmas lights.
fuck it, i've come this far, done my lil circus balancing act, i'm gonna hang them damnit.
lots of struggling. more balancing, wrapping wire, making it relatively even.
ok, doesn't look horrible. let's plug it in.

...........................................what do they say about always testing the string of lights first?
they don't work.
i'm sitting on my bed, laughing by now. cause that's just funny.

i take them down. nicely at first, until the second wire gives me a hard time and i decide that ripping them out of the wall is a muchbetter idea.
ok that didn't take too long.
you'd think i'd quit by now.

i have more lights.

these, i test first. yup, they work.
ok, new plan. i can staple them to the wall and parts of the ceiling, using only one wire to make it hang down a little.
yes, that's a much better idea than the LAST one.
satan's on my couch by now, taking video for his friends back home.

so i attempt to staple them to the wall. i say attempt, because it's hard as hell to pull that trigger thing, and most of the time, i'm missing the wire entirely, impaling the wall and the ceiling with 4, 5 nstaples before actually hitting the wire.
i'm sweating now. and it's 1:00am.
let's just get the fuckers up, go to bed.

i put the last staple in, and plug it in.
works, that's good.

my bed now looks like some red light district whore's bed.
or something you'd see in a trailer.

this is THE tackiest thing i have EVER seen.
and i did it.
i stood there, laughing for another 15 minutes with satan. he thought it was great.
then i left them plugged in, laid down under lights bright enough to light up the WHOLE apartment, and giggled myself to sleep.

i.
hate.
christmas.


thought that story might make you smile this morning. make me laugh, even telling it.
you gotta see these lights, dude. they are SO SO tacky. i need a new word, tacky isn't strong enough. :)

--
Fay-Lisa
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein