sick

Yeah. I'm sick. And it's annoying.
Thing is, it's not a full blown sickness or anything. It's one of those, wake up and feel nauseous all day but never puke kinds of illness. Been going on for like 2 weeks and I'm pretty much done with it now. Thanks for comin out, there's the door. Fuck off.

in the moment

It really does baffle people when I insist on living in the now.
They can't...quite...wrap their lil brains around that.

How can you not think about retirement? Plan for it?
How can you not think about plans for the summer, or whether you're going to renew your lease next winter?
How can you just drift through life like that? Where's your stability?
Where's your roots? Where will you be in a year? Five? Ten?
How can you NOT KNOW?

I get harassed about this a lot. People have this pre-conceived notion that I'm a drifter, that I'm shady or something because I have no ten year plan.

No, I don't think about retirement. That requires me thinking about being old, and I'm just not down with that yet. I'll see when I get there. If I get there. I didn't expect to live to see 20, everything from there on in has been total icing on the cake for me.

Summer, leases, next winter, same thing. I might not make it until tomorrow, nevermind the summer, so no I make so solid plans. I have things I'd like to do; I want to skateboard a lot this summer. I'd like to get outside as much as possible. Get into the mountains. But I won't plan for it, because I might not be around. Those aspirations can follow me no matter where I go, not dependant on me living here, or having this job, or this apartment, or in this country for that matter.

Where's my stability. What kind of stability are we talking about? Stability, as society sees it, is an illusion. Life is not a stable thing. It's always changing, always shifting. What's true today will not be true tomorrow, or a week from now, or a year from now. Perspective shifts. Lessons learned. You are not who you were a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago. You don't have the same job, likely in this economy, you don't have the same house, also likely in this era. Who really HAS stability anymore. I just chose to embrace it and live it.

I don't drift, entirely. I love Boulder. Can't say how long I'll be here, but I'll love it until the time comes to go. Then I'll hopefully end up somewhere else I'll love. That's the aim, anyway. To end up somewhere I love being. I don't have any roots, ok this is true. I have no family. I have no ties to any one particular place, I have nothing to hold me somewhere I might not wanna be. This is so liberating, so freeing. I can live anywhere I want to. No family fights, no "why don't you come visit", no obligations except to myself. Yes, I eat out and I see big families at tables and it makes me sad that I'll never have that, but ah well. I'll never have the drama of it either.

My job is great, for however long it lasts. I make no long term plans based on having this job. Cause the way the economy is, I could lose it next week.

When you live in the right now, things like this don't haunt you. They don't keep you up nights worrying if you'll have enough money in your retirement fund to cover your wrinkly ass, or if your job will be there next year, or how you're gonna pay your mortgage IF you lose this job - worrying that ultimately gives you ulcers, or heart conditions, or high blood pressure, which is of course more shit to worry about.
All that is lifted.
When you live in the right now, you see how brightly the sun is shining outside, and you can't wait to get out there. You wonder what's for lunch, you wonder where the afternoon is going to take you. Life is an adventure. I could work this afternoon, or I could end up in the mountains playing with the dogs, or I could be in the valley shooting a shotgun. I'm not sure yet. I do know that tonight I get to do computer stuff on a mac. Least I think I will. We'll see, that could change too.

When you live in the right now, everything is a surprise, everything is an adventure. And if you can accept it, it's awesome. Like a roller coaster ride, without all that wind in your hair and the nausea. I love it. It makes me so deliriously happy. I don't miss a moment, I don't pass a rosebush or a flowering tree in early April without inhaling deeply and loving that that flower is there. Smiling at the sound of a child's giggle...because honestly some of them have the absolute best giggle on earth...and having my heart completely unburdened by anything other than where my feet are taking me.

People don't get this. In fact I get the feeling they resent it. Maybe because they can't do it, or aren't sure how. Easy, I tell them. And this is the only secret to no stress.
Just
Let
Go.

Nothing, honestly, matters. If you have this job in a year, does it matter? If you move next week, I mean really, will you die? Will the world end? No. Life just changes. So what if your marriage ends. You try and if it doesn't work, let it go. Stressing about it isn't going to make it better.
Just let it go.

I'm likely going to get deported in 2 months. Back to Canada, suffer that 5 or 10 year stint of not being able to come back into the states when one gets tossed out of a country. I could stress about that, I could freak out and cry and beg my husband not to punish me, as he so rightly thinks I should be; I could think about it so much that I nightmare about it. That I develop ulcers, that I can't eat or sleep or work properly about it. It could consume me. In essence, I'm losing my home, my life, the town I love being in.

I started looking for places I might like to live in Canada again. Whistler, hands down the best snowboarding anywhere, is looking good. Rent is pretty cheap, jobs not bad even out of season there, and come winter, snowboarding that owns. There are hostels there too, in case I don't have enough cash stored up by the time 2 months comes around, so I'll have a place to stay.
The cat will need a home, I highly doubt I can take her along. Husband might take her. If not, I'll see about someone else. Not a huge deal. I love my cat endlessly, don't get me wrong, but when we're talking survival, when the chips fall and it's an apt or her, she goes. Being homeless taught me that.

And wherever I end up, it'll be an adventure all over again.
But right now, I'm in today. Tomorrow doesn't concern me other than a passing thought, that knowledge that everything really will be ok whether I stress or not, so I chose not to stress.
And today, I work for the lawyer this afternoon. Likely not all afternoon, but it's hours. I'll go walk in the sunshine a while at lunch. I have no food, nor any money for food, but the boss is letting me have leftovers from some big luncheon downstairs, so I'll be fed. Tonight, I'll possibly do the computer stuff. But in a moment, everything could change.
I can't wait.

Blizzard of 05

Oh puhlease.
No one in Boulder has the right to say this today.
Yes, there was a blizzard. Yes, it skimmed Boulder and dumped a few inches. Pfft. Pussies. Fucking hippy pussies.
The bus was late this morning. When I finally got on it, he was creeping along the road like he was plowing through 2 feet of snow.
The grass is still peeking through this snow here.

So I leaned up and kinda whispered to the driver.....
"you do know that's water on the road, right?"
I don't think he did. Cause RTD reserves the right to not adhere to any kind of schedule if the roads are bad. Only now, whenever it rains too hard, the drivers kick back and figure they can take their time.
Well fuck you. I have a job to get to, and there's nothing on the road at all. So drive, motherfucker.

I had a kick ass weekend, aside from the stupidity of bus drivers this morning.
We hit Breck on Saturday morning. Yeah, I only did 3 runs, but it's one better than last time. And I took a blue. Yay, go me, damnit. I'm so stoked. Bummed that the season is over like this weekend coming up, but stoked that I'm getting a lot better really fast.

We partied in Vail after Breck was done. Supposed to be some free concert, but the "blizzard" started that night so I think it was called off. Some dj was on stage mixing, it was cool, but not really worth standing out in the fucking cold like that for.
Standing there, that's when something large and round, I swear, hit me.
My knees decided that no, they'd done enough on the mountain today, they didn't feel the obligation to do any more.
My stomach chimed in, saying the altitude was fucking with it already and if the knees were going, then it was going to convulse too. Fuck me.
Someone in the ground below me took a deep fucking breath and sucked every last ounce of strength out of me, standing there in the cold.
Thank god for the bumper of that Escalade. I sat down hard. My ass reminded me I'd fallen on it earlier, but not quite as persistently as my head swimming in some imaginary bubble of water.

The boys looked around for me, as they were kinda wanting to go, and all just stood there for a second, staring at me.
"Dude. You're pale. Like more than normal." Insisting I was fine didn't work. I collapsed on the way to the car, but they didn't let me hit the ground. I was taken back to Mason's place, fed water and wrapped up in a blanket, as I was shaking so badly it looked like I was about to have a seizure. I slept, they partied around me, every once in a while feeling a hand to my forehead, checking if I was still trembling, seeing if I could respond. I survived the night.

Drove back on Sunday in a blizzard. Yeah, the kind that dumped 2 feet by the side of the road, sent semi's on their sides off the highway, had cars piled on top of each other on the highway. The kind that makes it take 5 hours for an hour trip.

If I could, I'd go snowboarding every day this week. Can't, maybe one day, but not all 5. This weekend is Vail's last weekend too. Gonna hit that hard, from what I'm told. Can't wait.

Blink. Blink.

I'm existing in my own little bubble of water today.
Everything around me is distorted just a little. Too far away. Liquid.
All my limbs are moving a lot slower than I think they should be.
My brain...honestly I don't think it's there. I think it drowned sometime yesterday.
I'm even blinking slowly.

God. I'm blonde today. I can't code, my mind is mush. The simplest code sends me into some coma-state where I sit here for the next 10 minutes. Drooling only slightly. I'm exhausted, even though I slept really well last night. Least, I think I slept well.

People say it's the weather. There's weather rolling into Boulder this weekend. Snow on Sunday morning, they say.
Ah ha.
Snowboarding sunday. And they think it's the barometer. It's my brain going over and over snowboarding stuff, that's all. It's occupied, that's all.

Let me tell you about my last run.
It was awesome. I went on the chair lift. I got laughed at cause i fell off it both times I took it up, but at least I didn't stop the lift. That whole one foot balance thing just throws me.
So I get on top of the mountain. Yeah, this is a flashback to Keystone and how it handed me my ass last time.
Ah ha, but I've been working on stance, and balance. Mountain won't kick my ass this time. Noo siree.

I only did 2 runs, granted. But I got some speed on me. Was riding switch most of the second run down, working on getting onto my heel edge from switch. Cause I sucked at that last time I tried it. Not bad. I fell twice that hurt me. The guys were actually really proud of me that when I'd fall from balance or stopping, I'd get right back up. No sitting in the snow for this girl.

And there was powder. There was a good foot of powder. My first powder day.
I love powder. I love it like I've loved nothing else. I floated down that mountain. I was one with the snow.

I carved more than once, hard, and didn't fall. Caught myself, fixed my stance, got my balance back. I followed closer than they thought I would, passing them even once. Ok they were standing still, that's not what's important here. They say my form is really good. My reaction time on the board is getting better, I'm starting to feel out the edges so when I nearly catch one, I compensate to avoid it. I done good.

I did fall, twice, hard.
The first time, I was compensating for catching my toe edge, and instead caught my heel. They said they could hear the "thump" of my ass hitting the snow from 30 feet away. They all winced collectively. I sat there in the snow a good 5 minutes only because it felt so damn good on an ass that hurt so goddamn much. My spine trembled the rest of the day from that.

The second time was spectacular. The boys didn't see it, sadly. I was comin down hard, faster than I should have been, and I nearly caught my toe edge. Instead, I carved over on it. But I think I leaned back too fast, and lost my balance. Hitting the snow didn't entirely hurt.
Oh look, there's the sky. Pretty snowflakes hitting my lips.
Oh look, there's my snowboard.
Coming up over my head.
Just once, rolled backwards. I felt the board hit the ground and wanted to stand up to recover, really I did. But I think I landed lopsided, too much weight on one foot, as always. The board twisted and did a cartwheel kind of move on me. My body followed, like a good girl. But I twisted both my knees, my right one in particular, so badly I sat in the snow with my head down gasping for air.

My knees are pissing me off.
So I made it down the mountain alright, rested a few times but I was ok to finish the run. Iced my knee and I was done like dinner boy. Still hurts, but at least I didn't blow it out or anything. Just pissed the muscles off.
And like the stubborn girl I am, I'll be doing it again this weekend. Especially if it snows again.

Yesterday, I went hiking. No trails for this girl either, we're talking no trails, scaling rock walls to get to a ridge on the mountain where there's thigh high snow waiting for you. Nearly 4 hours of that.
My legs are no longer speaking to me, routinely today threatening to give out altogether on me. So sshh on the snowboarding this weekend or they'll freak out and my ass won't be able to get up.

And even though I ache, nothing really hurts to the point where I can't move it. I believe that I won't ache tomorrow, and because I believe it, it'll likely be true. And once I stop aching so much, I know I'll feel stronger than I've been in years.
Cause I already am. If I could just lift my arms.